KID NO

I this crustacean

I posted a picture of my son playing with a lobster claw (cleaned out) on Facebook and my aunt* flipped out on me about how lobsters were cockroaches and disgusting, and I might as well feed my son Raid.

She won over my respect. The following is a 100% true story:

colin did you know that lobsters REALLY ARE undersea bugs tho

Never, EVER underestimate the stupidity of the United States people. Seriously. Look at our Congress and tell me that nobody is that stupid or ignorant.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the tale of Saint Basil Fuckoff, the patron saint of waiters and bartenders.

"It's not wild chicken."

Wow...The negative comments on this post, is astounding to me. So, lets see. We have a first time nominee, who probably had NO expectation of winning, and people are just tearing apart a very good speech.

I HAVE FRIENDS !!111!! AM HUGE FOODY. AM MARRIED (WITH REAL WOMAN) FREEDOM OF SPEECH YARRR

FREEZE PEACH! Yeah that's totally what that means.

"And here is our garden."

Good. Let them go. Just funnel all the red state republicans (Not the dems obvs), down into texas, and let them go on their merry way with no more federal funding or help of any kind. We won't miss them, and can even help them pack to be able to leave Monday.

I worked at a hippie dippie summer camp for stodgy liberal parents who were terrified/completely unprepared to teach their kids the facts of life.

OMG NO NO NO NO NO ON NO NO NO NO

I once severed my tongue (did you know they could reattach those?) in a library, on the first day after their renovations (I ended up volunteering there 15 years later, it was apparently legend.) I tripped and bit it clear off.

Oh Christ, where do I begin?

Dislocated my jaw by yawning.

I yawned my face off.