I know the societal pressure is a factor, but I'm a parent, and I've always thought of it this way- alpacas are great, but I've never wanted to have one of those. What if society said that having an alpaca was the key to happiness, and that I wouldn't know real love unless I had one of my own? That would probably…

I'm a grad student and I've posted before about one of the girls in my cohort who spends all her time trying to figure out how much money everyone else has.

I had to deal with some of these fuckers when they came to my campus on Wednesday, showing off pictures of dead fetuses. They screamed at me, and came uncomfortably close. They also told me my parent's interracial and interfaith marriage was going to go to hell. And that I dishonored them for being gay. So I made a…

Let me get this straight: So when I fold my laundry, I'm not making laundry tacos? And when I bend over and touch my toes, I'm not a taco? How am I not a taco?

I WAAAAANNNNNTTTTTT THAT ... because I am a heathen.

I wonder how many of those dudes advising women to never take nude photos of themselves would call their girlfriend a prude bitch if they requested nude photos of her and she said no.

Done and done. Thank's Erin!

Unrelated, anyone want to hangout tonight at the graveyard? I'm feeling... thirsty.

Here's what confuses me: like 90% of what I write involves subjective, imbalanced judgments of other peoples' food for the sake of comedy. I mean this sincerely: if you're not a fan of judgments...how exactly do you like what I write? I am asking that in all seriousness.

Think before I post an outraged comment on the pronunciation of gif?

If this was a fancy place with white tablecloth, I would totes agree with you. However, this guy is simply trying to get attention for his frou-frou burgers and fries. Burgers are low-brow food. Sure, get inventive and dress them up. I love burgers as much as a filet but they are completely different foods for…

They can fuck up. If I want ketchup or salt for my fries you should provide it. But, it's moot point because that is Florida and whyyyyyyy would I ever punish myself and go there? The Pillsbury bake off, correct. And if I ever compete there then I will avoid this place.

Louisiana food is spectacular. I've said this before: Louisianans can take a pint of mud, three sticks, and a toad and come up with something absurdly delicious. If Louisianans can't make a thing delicious, that thing cannot be made delicious (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, OKRA).

All bell peppers taste like watery asshole.

I've always heard that it's incredibly regional, but if you live in southern Oregon it's basically a requirement that you like ranch on your pizza.

You must be new here. We're all well aware that these rules only apply to America, not least since this is an American website. It doesn't need to be stated at this point.

this made me giggle and then i started choking a little so i am rightfully afraid of you now

A server friend of mine once had a customer say "I'd like the Steak Flambe, but I'm allergic to Flambe". As in "I claim I am allergic to anything that sounds unfamiliar".

A friend of my Dad's had the annoying habit of going out to nice restaurants and asking the waiter to choose a meal for him. It just sucked; it put the waiter in an awkward position; and it was an unnecessary hassle and a weird power play. So one time they went to a restaurant where he said that, and the waiter just…

I once blurted out "what, no you're not!" when someone tried that lie about onions once. Whoopsie! Oh well....