In a perfect world, where Scientology doesn’t exist, Jason Lee would have been the successful one and Ryan Reynolds would be a footnote.

So that would make Popeye a Templar?

When I was a child, I was in a bicycle accident and had to get my head stapled shut. At the hospital, they offered me a popsicle, and asked if I wanted red, white, or blue. With the risk of red being that awful fake cherry flavor and white being probably that coconut/pina colada trash you’re talking about, I opted for…

You know what’s worse than Papa John’s? The fake-ass Papa John’s that they have in Lansing, with a disclaimer on the website that it is in no way affiliated with the real Papa John’s. I ordered from them once, and it was a chore to finish the pizza.

My school had chicken fried steak on Thursday, which was the highlight of the week.

The future stuff is also a prequel of the future stuff from the other games, and follows Kristen Bells’s character as she attempts to get her degree in neuroscience. It’s basically a gender-switched Bully, but just the class minigames.

I tell people that it ends with two Sean William Scotts holding magic hands in a floating ice cream truck while a man in a doo rag stands on top and shoots at a blimp with a rocket launcher. It may be the only movie where giving away the ending A) makes people want to see it, and B) gives away absolutely nothing that…

Truer words have never been spoken. I once found a gelateria in Sicily that had Happy Hippo gelato, and it was the best damn thing I’ve ever eaten.

Yeah, my kids found a video of Peppa Pig getting married the other day, and I struggled to try to explain what would motivate a person to make something like that. I’m still not sure, to be honest.

Former Detroit Tiger outfielder Rusty Kuntz would like to challenge that assertion.

But at least he hasn’t raped anybody as far as we know, so that’s good!

80% chance he’s in Austin. Fuckin’ Austinites.

If we’re being honest, 75% of Dookie was about masturbation anyway.

It’s not that simple. Look at how they botched Max Payne, which had a pretty good story that should have easily adapted to a movie. Or hell, the Super Mario Bros movie, which had basically no plot to speak of and allowed the creators to do whatever the hell they wanted.

It mostly weirds me out that this is the 3rd sitcom we’ve had in the past 3 years with “Kevin” in the title. Whoever is out there lobbying for Kevins to get more recognition is damn good at their job.

Man, they need to stop giving shitty titles to good shows. Cougar Town at least made a good run, but Selfie is right up there with Trophy Wife and Better Off Ted on the list of great shows that could have lasted a lot longer if they had better names.

I’m gonna level with you: having spent nearly the last 7 years living in Michigan, which I consider to be the worst place I have ever lived, and now being approximately 2 weeks away from leaving this dump and never looking back, I did not even stop to think that there may be anything worthwhile in this dump. But I…

I’m pretty sure that anybody who wants to see Stranger Things 2 has done so already.

Man, Joel Osteen is really getting a lot of good practice keeping people out of places, huh?

And was only allowed to break the law because the proper paperwork was filed, not because people weren’t enforcing the laws.