His waxen visage would crack like an egg. Ah, beautiful thought.

Everytime I see Jared’s face I want to punch it. I am 58 years old, 5'3" and 150 lbs, 23% bodyfat. Plus I wear glasses. But I know I could fuck. him. up. I see his wormy lips and that Botoxed forehead and I know it would take one crack of my bony knuckles and he would crumble like the crystal dildo he is.

He also had the audacity to say the federal stockpile is not for the states? Who the fuck is it for then? The parts of America that aren’t states like Puerto Rico and Guam (haha like Trump would ever help Puerto Rico).

It reminds me of something Scott Adams (the dilbert guy) said, before he went off the rails a bit anyway. He got a lot of his humor by taking something that was real, extrapolating to what may really come, then taking it to an absurd next level.

For instance: Real- companies with wellness programs that reward your…

Me too! I think they’re all in on it. Thank you my fellow cynical (realistic) friend. ;) 

Oh my God. Definitely.

I think the Queen is in on it. See how everyone is talking about this now and not Child Rapist Andrew? Huh.

The ones from yesterday aren’t.

Pretty sure all those WWIII jokes were the first meme of the year.

If you think this is the first meme of the year then you’re not looking in the right places. Nobody watches the fucking Golden Globes anyway.

In the infinite wisdom of Paul Mooney...

Everybody want to be Black till it’s time to be Black....

Fuck, I miss Gawker. Honestly one of my favorite posts.

Caity Weaver made a convincing case that the best all you can eat experience was spending 14 hours eating mozarella sticks at TGI Fridays:

My first minimum-wage job was in data entry.

“tricks of the trade”

Con: Jeff Bezos is bending all his will to make sure you will be unemployed.

I would have gone a slightly different route. I’d agree to call him “doctor” but I’d tell him that his real last name will never, ever be used. He’d have to basically choose between maintaining our previous arrangement or constantly being referred to as “Dr. Feelgood,” “Dr. Nick Riviera,” “Dr. Demento,” “Dr. Mengele,” …

I’m an adult I should be able to call him Bob (or Dickhead) if I want. Do you agree?

Best minimum wage job?