I’d like it more if, say, Betty went Salander on the boys who hurt her sister. Yes, I laughed when Salander attacked her social worker/guardian in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (the Swedish original always seemed more visceral and oddly, more satisfying, and Noomi Rapace seemed more delightfully horrific) but I…

It is monumentally shite, isn’t it? I like watching it for the overacting and seriously LOL’able dialogue. Plus, Archie with his shirt off is always something nice. Bounce about and jiggle those disco-tits, o soulless ginger!

Oh dear, Jason, darling. If you flew private (like us lot), you’d never have to worry about “luggage problems”.

I’ll bring the popcorn, you bring the wings (and grilled vegetable selection if you want)...

Whilst we all appreciate the style sacrifice that you clearly made...tell me you keep a small bottle of hand sanitiser on you at all times? I have nightmares of that non-entity and her tiny-handed spawner groping each and every item before it leaves the sweatshops...

It makes my dick invert itself, flee inside my body and scream insults in an entertaining combo of English and Yiddish before casting a curse upon you and your entire line - born and unborn?

Please tell me that she’s been spayed and neutered. If not, we’ll do it for cookies and a jumbo-bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

If that baby-tart Jenner’s name the first thing your mind goes to when you hear the name “Kylie”, you need to stop sniffing the glue, Aimee. Seriously, put the bag *down*, love.

I wouldn’t call it a secondary reality television personality. I would refer to it as a vacuum of personality and the sister of a whore and daughter of a wasp-chewing bulldog in lipstick. How the fuck that creature became “Something” is beyond me.

Eh, she’d have been burned at the stake - reading books, thinking for herself, beastiality...

This reminds me of the epic shit that is Reign, a show that literally shits on one of the most fascinating relationships in British, well, European royal history: that of Mary Stuart and Elizabeth Tudor. Remember this: they were queens in charge of their respective kingdoms and both pursued power in very different…

Well, the sex-scene should be insanely pretty at least...

I admit - I did a bit of a sex-wee when he gave that speech. And yeah, Winona Ryder is my spirit animal most days. God, I love this cast.

Then fuck off. No need to make a drama, mouth-breather. Twat.

Carl Sagan - Contact. Far more applicable to today’s Western civilisation than any other science fiction author I can think of.

I hate to be “That Guy”, but they’re rather...pallid compared to the real thing...

You’re boring me now. I’m still waiting for you to crank your single duty neuron up to “waddle-speed” so you can get over to your underused bookcase, crack open an encyclopedia, and find me an example of how pacifists defeated fascists. Hurry up now, I’m expecting company and you certainly are not as thrilling as…

But, I tell you what - I’m not being fair to someone who clearly only learned things at college. So, why don’t you crack open that big ole history book of yours (or Wikipedia, in case books make you feel icky) and find me an example of when pacifism defeated Fascism. Go on. Do it. If you’re going to assume the…

Oh, “buddy”, referring to someone at the end of your little comeback as “friend”? Come on. You could at least come back with something wittier, more devastating. Toddle off. Toodle-loo!

Erm, Wrath of Khan, Voyage Home, and First Contact were great films, especially FC. D’you know, come to think about it - I think Voyage Home uses only *one* phaser visual effect (in the hospital). Twas a nice, relatively “low-tech” Trek film. FC’s the big action flick - particularly fun watching the assimilation…