Gabrielle Union is utterly gorgeous without the slap. Same with Alicia Keys. But then you’ve got Kim Kardashian - a woman who has made a name for her freakish contouring and frankly clownish appearance. “Oh, Kim looks perfect!” - yes, through what can only be described as industrial-strength foundation application…

This is true. But you can play office politics to your advantage. About a decade or so ago, I worked for a research company where the office was dominated by two rather obnoxious little fucks - my line manager, and the company owner - who would play staffmembers off each other as part of their own little internal…

Shut up, Eric, and go murder a prostitute or fuck a cat or something appropriate for someone with such brain-dead eyes. Creepy little fucking turd.

So, basically, we’re hoping that Satan’s pounding her lady-bottom with a sharpened baseball bat? Gotcha.

As my mother once snarked at a vegan: it must be nice to live in a country where you can afford to be picky and “ethical” about your food choices.

Well, isn’t she just a delightful fucking cunt?

As my Granny says - Lynsey, pipe down, love. You’re making a fool out of yourself. Talk about a petulant, whiny, cry-baby loser.

Ryan Lochte: piss artist. I wonder how many of his endorsements just went down the drain?

Ryan Lochte is one of the best examples I give for fame erasing any unattractive features of a man - be they physical or emotional features. I’ve always maintained that he has the face of a man who’d slip a couple of pills into a girls drink on a night out and has the personality of a man who thinks that getting blown…

I read it as “Ginny Tingle”, which I’m totally stealing as the name for a story. Well, if Australia can call the epic deliciousness of Crunchie as “Violet Crumble” (which I’m also nicking), why not Ginny Tingle?

He reminds me of Julia Child. I’m frightened and I am definitely not aroused.

Old men should be seen and not heard, unless they’re wanting their arses wiped.

Get back to me when he’s 32. He looks like he’s yet to discover the multifaceted horrors of a Gillette Mach 3.

I’ve got a pair of glasses better than the ones above. Rather fun for office Halloween days...

Honey, I’m LGBT-whatever and Euro and let me tell you - my ilk would shriek at the thought of buying a messenger bag. Manpurses are so 2009.

In defence of cargo shorts: I wear cargo trousers (sorry, “pants” for the Non-Brits) because the pockets are *damned* useful (the main pockets are roomy enough for a Galaxy phone, a wallet and various other things I have on me, plus the others I tend to cart stuff around my office in (the thigh pockets are good for a…

“So, Miss Heard, what attracted you to the multi-billionaire Elon Musk?”

Pah. If he was a real Conservative, his wee sign’d say “Conservative, but up for a good felching whilst wearing my Sarah Palin cosplay outfit”.

Oh, we already support Marie Stopes and the pro-choice supporters in Northern Ireland as much as we can. Just because you can support others in other countries doesn’t mean you can’t also help closer to home.

Here. Have a cookie. No, have the fucking internet with sprinkles and chocolate cream slathered on its nipples. You win today!