His eyes have all the life and verve of a three-day old dead squid, to be honest. If I found him in my bed, I’d punish my dog.

I’ll be honest and say that I quite fancied the pants off this guy when he first came up on my radar back when he was in I Capture The Castle (seriously, if you’ve never seen that film or read the equally lovely book by Dodie Smith - yes, her of 101 Dalmatians - you’re missing out). I mean, I get the fact that he’s as…

I think I facepalmed myself so hard when I first read that that I awoke Tuesday two weeks prior, to be honest. I mean, ugh, fuck off.

I had a prawn curry pizza (surprisingly not as bad as it sounds - I still get ‘em from the same place. Lovely and spicy and the prawns aren’t cooked to death), had some chicken pakora and let rip in her fake Hermes. What was the cruellest thing was that I took the stuff in her bag *out* before unleashing the gooey…

Sounds like the bitch I worked with fifteen years ago who told me that she didn’t want me near her when I finally came out (she was convinced I would give her AIDS). Only the second time in my life I had ever wanted to hit a woman (so very glad I didn’t). I did, however, shit in her handbag.

In truth? You’re better off without this person in your life. I’ve known too many people like this to even find anything in your post remotely surprising or shocking. Thing is - if you’re going to commit to removing this thing from your life, you need to be brutal and total. By the sounds of things, she’s a social…

There is.

Well, okay then.

There are a lot of dumb-fuck teenage girls and gay men out there. Trust me: I work with two of the latter. You should see the botox. Yikes.

As my boss said yesterday: “Remember when you had to pay a woman of negotiable affection to take her clothes off?”

Dear Evil-Doers-Of-The-World - see the Kardashians? Could you be super-duper-special to us all and take the whole rancid lot out? Please. I’ll even pay for the toxic gas.

I’ve always said firebomb it and the like. And this is coming from a public schoolboy.

The one thing that I’ve always found hilariously, hideously awful about Buzzfeed are the “Americans Try” videos. I suppose the concept is to supposedly show the average Yank (or in Buzzfeedland, a “richly diverse group of people who may represent different ethnic backgrounds but still grew up surrounded by an aura of…

It’s amazing and alarming how many young women seem to think that Kim Kardashian is a style icon. She’s not, dears. She’s a clothes horse, not a fashion icon.

You have got to be fucking shitting me. Wow. And there was me thinking his thing for bananas was awful.

I decided to binge-watch it, just to see if it was really that fucking awful (oh, god, yes it was) and if it would get any better (like my first - and only - heterosexual experience, it never did). It was truly, monumentally, epically shite. Now, I’m looking forward to the Gilmore Girls reboot/sequels/oy with the…

Can we just address the great big stinking elephant in the room: the Empress-level queen-child playing the middle son? I didn’t know whether to “GURL!” him, throw a shuriken or send him to an acting school. Frightful wee trog.

Christ. They’re back. Have they run out of batteries in their Jesus vibrators? (That’s a real thing, you know. Virgin Mary ones too)

Keller, sweetie...

I do hope Nerf have realised that not every little girl out there wants to play with a pink or purple toy (It’s not purple, it’s LAVENDER! (Points if you know where *that* came from...)) and that they have it in, oh I don’t know, maybe black, or silver, or the colours that would appeal to my cousin’s daughters?