What a terrible time to be alive. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been drunk that early in the day

So come on down to Latte Larry’s and enjoy a hot cup of spite with me!

I can describe Malibu in one word: insufferable. Its a small community that exceeds at representing the omnipresent pretentiousness that defines LA and Orange County so well.

Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man. 

A thousand doors, a thousand lies, rooms a thousand years wide ... 

Anything involving kimchi is always a correct answer. 

Oh man, the tortilla chip one happened to me a recently. Somehow managed to result in a nasty cut right underneath my tongue.

Any and every UHF reference gets a star from me. 

Wait, are you saying you can’t fire a .44 mag using just one hand stretched out to your side without it recoiling back into your face?

Close - bought for $490k, sold for $720k.

I totally remember the days when egg yolks were being maligned. 80s and 90s I think? 

I sold my house in LA to Opendoor back in April for a cool ~$230k over what I paid for it in 2018. It’s been back on the market for about 3 months at $20k less than they gave me.

SHE’S GONE FROM SUCK TO BLOW! 

I come from a long line of drunken Scotsmen which I routinely use to excuse my love of whisky and golf.

The richest guy I know - my old boss who sold the company for $1B and he personally pocketed a couple hundred million - drives a busted up old Chevy Volt.

NOOOO WHEEZING THE JUICE!

In some circles, the Rebelle Rally is a far, far better thing than the Superbowl, the Kentucky Derby, and the lower Oakland roller derby finals all rolled into one.

Same here.

take something that somebody else already did, stamp his big, fat, bolded name on it, promise it’s going to be better, and then make it worse