I’ve had that same sixth sense ever since I was a kid. I’d be lying in bed and would yell for my mom to come turn on the light. Sure enough, there’d be a spider on the ceiling or wall... And of course I couldn’t go back to sleep until it was caught, smushed in a kleenex and flushed down the toilet. Like zombies, you…

Oh gawd I just got the heebie-jeebies just reading that. Not to demean the real disorder, but really I would have PTSD after that.

I’m 40 (and don't feel old) but my parents are 65...sooo yes I can date someone any age I want...but I don’t want to date someone my parents’ age. 10 years older, that’s probably by top limit.

But her hair. And the layered shirts.

Oh hell no. The same rules apply to professional visit as do for family members/friends/girlfriends visiting inmates. No loosey goosey boobies allowed, must have bra.

Most jails/prisons have clothing guidelines for visitors and will not let women in who visibly are not wearing a bra. As in inmate girlfriends and the like with their loose titters.

His custom blend of resting bitch face + dafuq expression = nailed it

Farthest or furthest? I can never remember which one

I’ve eliminated the need for anyone to ask if I’m done eating or am ready to have the table bussed by flinging my plate like a frisbee at the head of the nearest server.*

Seriously Kris Kardashian, put your tits away and wear something age appropriate. Even your barely legal daughter and her pimp are not impressed.

Can someone please photoshop a snake into her hands, like it’s a pentecostal church service where they hold snakes up in the air? I’m not good at memes, Thanks

I spent a year in a temporary promotion and it was a great move for my career. I got rave reviews from the staff and they tried to poach me from my old assignment. My performance review from the year-long promotion was fucking phenomenal, best I’ve ever had in 9 years working for this agency. But I had to return to my…

They may be from different worlds but they share the same crazy

I wasn’t sure what “Render unto Caesar” meant so I googled it, derp. From wikipedia:

I’m not religious, but I’m praying for schadenfreude.

1. Someone should tell Congress to stop voting as nauseum to repeal Obamacare. Huckabee said people don’t have to obey rules they don’t agree with!

I’m surprised Huckabee hasn’t claimed that this could have been prevented if only the 10-year-old rape victim had a concealed-carry gun.