This is one of the most reasonable pay policies I've seen—and damn this would've made my restaurant days 1000x less shittastic. It's the lack of knowledge about your income that's extra frustrating. Will I have enough to go to a movie with friends tomorrow? Depends on who I serve tonight. No guarantees!

Sex is so much fun! But only after an accredited official notarizes your relationship and mails that shit in to the deity. The deity looks at the paper, checks the signatures, looks out the sky, through your windows, through your pajamas, and says, "There's the pestle and there's the mortar. These two are legit. They…

Plus: If your character makes it to being represented on the show, you'll have bragging rights on that, too!

My favorite.

I am significantly cheered up by Pedro Pascal's "i shit you not, i cannot get rid of this headache" tweet from earlier today.

" clang clang ! Maxwell's silver hammer came down, upon her head .

When I was 8...I was obsessed with Laura Ingalls Wilder and all things pioneer. My mother got me a jackknife for my birthday and I would sit outside our apartment whittling. I whittled a dolphin out of a branch and then quit, because I realized I had hit my peak.

Hey everyone, I'm making artisanal toast and tortillas. For the toast I put the bread in the toaster, and while it's toasting I get out the butter. I wait by the toaster and pull out the toast while it's hot and spread the butter on it so you get all the buttery goodness. 5 dollars for 2 pieces. Honest to God, that's…

This is integrity. Trying to pretend that blackface never happened is not integrity. The assistant was an idiot.

When I was eight, I was the world's premiere designer of rabbit dwellings. That's right, I sketched homes for bunnies. It was hard work, but someone's gotta do it. Sadly, nobody ever paid for my designs. Bunnies are cheap-asses.

Many years ago, I'm on this group tour of Alcatraz, and there's this one chick - quite a doll - who is just being Miss Supreme Bitch the whole time. She's getting dirty looks from everyone. But she and I are catching eyes from time to time, so I am wondering where this is going to go.

Oh, boy. Um. This isn't about me. This is about someone I was (and still am) with.

Quietly creates burner account.

The Fiancé and I made a road trip from Austin to San Diego back in '09 when we'd just started dating, toting along a roadside attractions guidebook that had to be at least 10 years old. Whilst traveling through Arizona, I saw a throwaway line about a space-themed hotel in Gila Bend. Having no reason to reject the…

Grad school, winter break I go to visit a friend from college. We end up crashing at her boyfriend's place one evening. Her boyfriend's roommate was a Marine, had just gotten back to the states after being deployed for over a year.... Yada, yada, yada, the sex was good but having a man eat out your pussy after he's…

Or make them spell everything backwards!

Dear Lord, I pray that Megadump's cock be at its peak of health, that its aim be swift and sure and that its strength is tempered by the fires of his intended. Amen.

Hair colors found in nature... Like flowers?

Translation: Lazy-ass waitress constantly nags managers about wanting to go home. On one busy night, a manager gets annoyed at this, fills up the waitress' entire section, and *then* tells her she can go home after those are all gone. (Plus the restaurant never lets other waitstaff pick up a coworker's tables for…

Towards the end he does Kermit the frog, and then he dances. But the whole thing is hilarious.