A guy I used to know from Atlanta explained that to me a few years ago.  I then explained to him the virtues of holding onto a lead.

This bird is really hoping you didn’t notice that fart.

What? And make them fat?

cnn already trying to start drama:

This is what's in that murky black water

My take away from this is that Keanu is Batman.

and scoring multiple times on Thai women...

Bob Kraft’s only crime was an explosion of joy, too.

This must be why the Preacher always got mad after I thanked him when he’d cum in my face.

This is kind of what I do, I never tip when the barista isn’t looking because that’s when I pull a couple bills out of the tip jar. Then when they look I stuff it all back in and look like a hero. It’s much cheaper this way, not sure why everyone doesn’t do this. 

Stood there motionless like his hands were nailed to that bat.

Of all people, you’re surprised that this guy abstains from being a swinger when he encounters another dude in an unfamiliar position?

I didn’t go to the game. You didn’t go to the game.

I think this guy is a pigeon. Even their username is a pigeon-sound.

They're just pigeons. 

They have fucked up the federal judiciary for a generation and a half. 

the list of players attending sounds about white

These are ours - all former foster dogs! Thanks for promoting adopting from rescues rather than buying from pet stores. Mutts are the same amazing animals as purebreds. And they tend to have fewer health issues too.

Damn that is a great anecdote to use in a columbo-style mystery. “I noticed the victim had air conditioning on in their apartment despite it being on Shabbat, and you’re the only person in this building that isn’t an Orthodox Jew. Do you ever help out your neighbors turn on and off appliances?”

The people you love the most, trust the most, care for the most, the people who, when you are 6, are quite literally your entire world and who you depend on for your existence should not crush you (because at 6, giving away your puppy is soul-crushing) for likes.