That is the face of someone who enjoyed too many champagne popsicles.

I totes respect the office, it’s the fat fuck sitting in it that I don’t respect. I mean, that office is famous, John Kennedy played with his children in it! Barack Obama laid on that floor to play with babies that weren’t even his! Bill Clinton got a blowie in that office! That office is fuckin amazing!! The only way…

So his message to uplift young girls is going around and telling them they’re beautiful?

Uplifting the girls makes it easier to shake them until the found art falls out.

I sometimes stitch while drinking wine. I’m so relaxed, I can’t even.

Watching her get eaten by her own is my current catharsis.

If the source is using the term “jet-setting” unironically, I’m guessing Capris, possibly with a Metamucil chaser.

Thanks!

That’s where I stopped reading and went into a fugue state and hallucinated that a little unfortunate moth came to me and said, “The world sees me as Kendall Jenner.” Then we laughed and laughed and somehow I’m in New Jersey.

Yep it sure can get complex when you can’t keep your dick in your pants.

‘Memba when?

I was just hoping there would be a book tour where they hold me while I cry.

the Obamas will donate 1 million books in their name to the non-profit First Book, which works to give new books to children in need. They’ll also be donating a “significant portion” of their book deal money to charity.

fuck off Mark

big league comfortable

thus questioning the legitimacy of his own presidency

Hillary Clinton represents us all today. What woman hasn’t had the experience of celebrating  the man who got the promotion/job she was infinitely more qualified for?

She has been so over having a period for like ten-fifteen years. The hospital wouldn’t tie her tubes (Catholic) but she and my dad had all the kids they wanted so it’s become an annoyance for her at this point. And she’ll stop having one for like... six months... and then ALL OF A SUDDEN it’ll come back. I always…

I had a chicken pot pie with a vodka/orange juice/flavored sparkling water drink and then baked myself a bunch of chocolate chip cookies. I ate all of them.

This picture is not sideways. This is him lying on his back.