If I want a Valentine it's because I want flowers. And guaranteed sex.

I usually celebrate by myself. One year, I bought myself chocolate soy milk and candy (I think) to eat while I watch Netflix. Sounds depressing, but it was AWESOME.

I have an adorable doggy I will spend Valentine's day with.

I'm 22 years old and have never had a Valentine. The one time I was in a long term relationship that overlapped with Valentine's day, the guy had moved to Switzerland (starting the worst long distance relationship EVAR)

My dog isn't all that bright.

This is what I sent to Ted Cruz:

Found this just now.

I have a new puppy. I just wish I was at home right now raising him.

He and Tyler Durden are the SAME person.

Oh. Ah no, I would only be so lucky.

Did this happen to her too?

I don't know... I remember thinking later, "That's it? That's what I've waited for? Okay..."

Oh... and I was so drunk I accidentally relieved myself in my bathing suit... all fluids possible down there.

Well, not only was it during that time of the month, but this gentleman decided to... erm... assist in that area.

You sure you want to know? It's a bit... gross.

I lost mine to a male cheerleader. Unfortunately, not the most embarrassing fact about that night.

It took me a good 5 min to find out who the victim is. The internet has no secrets.

What the hell happened to Michael York?!

Bitch to the company I buy my internet. Duh.

Oh, it's $.99? I guess I can't find out the right condom for my fake penis.