I’ve gone to the Cincinnati ATP tournament several times. As a casual fan, I find the sport far more impressive in person. If you can get a seat fairly low in the stadium, you can really appreciate how fucking fast that ball is moving and how ludicrously quickly it drops after just barely clearing the net. To that…

Mark West, because he had the highest shooting percentage of anyone on the Phoenix Suns. My young self figured that if they’d just get him more shots, they’d score more.

Most of the OU frat boys are still trying to run the triple fucking option.

You’ve clearly exposed my ignorance. What are the different languages? Can you give a phonetic pronunciation of them/it?

Maybe. But I can quickly recognize most of those names’ nationalities and get pretty close on first guess. I’d put the over/under close to 65% for anyone who’s even a casual soccer fan.

I do, yes, but I suspect the way I say “Copenhagen” is not the same as how a Dane says “København”. Hell, even if it is, then I’d get it wrong.

Fun (if mildly xenophobic) game: what percentage of the names/places in this article can you pronounce correctly without help? I’m giving myself Dino, Azerbaijan/i, European, and probably a lucky guess on one of Agdam, Baku, and København. So what’s that, 4 out of 10? 40%? Here’s to American education!

Genocide seems counterproductive here, no?

But let’s be real: if I lose my legs, I’m still sticking to my original height on medical form. I’m not docking myself three feet. That would be too painful to accept, and who’s gonna correct me? Everyone would just assume I was a troop.

Cody Kessler

Three? Out of, what, several hundred? And they left the rest of them broken?

Sorry, but I’ve been making this plea for years and have yet to succeed.

Jesse Reasoner is actually a teammate of The Progressive Liberal, fighting foes like Roger Ignorance and Peter Cognitivebiases with rational thinking and solid logic. He is currently winless.

Dearly begloved, we are gathered today...

Huh, that sounds more like a trick that Lions fans would fall for.

First, the underwear inspections. Now this?

This was a good one, too:

+1, -1, +1, -1, +1, -1, +1, -1, +1, -1...

something pretty terrifying—a pair of black bears.

I hope you get grilled for this.