And THIS is why Chuck E Cheese had to hire security guards....

“Only for the professionally offended.”

I know this is incredibly difficult for the writers at Jezebel (and many commenters) to understand, but, Beyoncé is just a woman who sings a couple catchy songs. That’s it. Just some woman with a good voice that none of us knows personally. Commence the gnashing of your teeth and screaming how wrong I am.

Advanced lifehack: get laid whenever, wherever your SO will let you get it, because that shit won’t last forever. If you can get laid before, during, and/or after date night, do it. Preferably all 3.

He really can fix anything.

If you switch the numbers in this chart, it applies to Russell Wilson instead

“The Triple Lindy,”

I’m up late googling good teen action and I get this shit?

Well this has happened multiple times with players but nevermind that

Welcome to Deadspin, Mrs. Harbaugh.

I’d make a Washington Foreskins joke, but it doesn’t seem apropos, based on the photo.

You need a public and a private position...

This is Jezebel.

Now that republicans have finally started coming around to accepting that climate change exists, there’s nothing to argue about anymore. And since no one wants to actually do anything, it’s best just to not bring it up.

I think most of the dissatisfaction with Howard has been from Red Wings fans who have had to watch him put up a .910 sv% since signing that contract, good for 30th among goalies with 100+ starts over that span.

After the game he said, “Jimmy owes everything to Jimmys special ice skates.”

but... but hillary is beyonce...

Hamilton Nolan just threatened to kill me if I don’t join his union.