When I was a kid, I thought that Shakespeare having a son named “Hamnet” in The Sandman comics was a joke. Then I found out that “Hamlet” was kind of a joke on his son.

Am I the only person alive who actually kind of enjoys watching Bob Hoskins and Jon Leguizamo drunk on scotch running around in dino-blade-runner New York while Dennis Hopper sleazes around harder than he’s ever sleazed before? I get that it wasn’t an appropriate Mario Brothers adaptation, but I still think... it’s..…

Or “the one with the shit-weasels”, as his wife affectionately calls it.

Mario RPG had a pretty good story. Y’know, for what it was. But overall, yeah. The Mario stories are generally bubbly nonsense that serves as the thinnest possible excuse for bouncing off of things and mass murdering entire civilizations worth of sentient mushrooms and turtles.

Oh no. That’s way low. Multiple that by itself and you’ll be a lot closer.

There is no way that that scene isn’t turning into a video game. My reference point was John Wick Smash TV, which I would play the shit out of. Especially with that insane Dragon’s Breath shotgun that cracked me up literally every time it was fired.

I saw it last night. Hard to delve into much without spoilers, but the story is definitely not left unresolved. If they wanted to, they could end the series with this film. Personally, I really liked it and think that it’s the best since the first. The story really isn’t all that thin. It’s more of a return to…

See, that’s funny. And true. The worst is dentists. You’ve got all this shit shoved into your face and cannot even respond and this jovial lunatic with a drill is pitching dental humor into your open mouth.

One of the greatest mistakes in my life was telling the hospital when I almost died that my occupation was stand up comedian. Cue 13 straight months of unavoidable medical joke suggestions to a person whose guts were being continuously removed. No one is funny. Everyone thinks that they are.

Never not timeless.

“‘Mine was on my face. His was all over his body because he’s weak like that,’ Wong explained”

They kind of caught him up in the alternate, but it seemed like they’d condensed about a season’s worth of development into two episodes. Plus it was technically a different character. So, yeah, true.

*where

I never saw anything less than great performances out of him. Even in things like Resident Evil, where the show was pretty weak, he was still great. People are currently name-checking his role on LOST and he was barely even in the show. Plus all of the great performances from games. The third Horizon game won’t be…

I know, right? Everybody always mentions that scene from The Wire wear he gets naked and 100% of the audience was like “wtf, I thought he was skinny, but he is actually in the best shape I’ve ever seen”. 

No no no! 

I hope he does. I kind of wish that he’d just get on with it already, so he can start making miniseries or tv shows or made-for-HBO films or whatever half-retcon excuse he comes up with for technically retiring from film without actually retiring from being a storyteller. I mean, I know that some people found it hard…

“Corporate Avril”? Dude, Avril Lavigne was assembled in a lab by an Arista Records PR team. “Punk Rock” was just the filter they laid over this random teenage state fair country singer to make her stand out. She was never even close to some DIY free spirit empowered by the music.

I had a feeling that the mormons were gonna try to hogle all the giraffes. 

Yeah, I think sometimes people forget how long he’s been in this business. He was the dopey guy in Groundhog Day who wanted WrestleMania tickets for his unusually down girlfriend, the dopey Hawaiian shirt pilot hanging around the edges of Pearl Harbor, the dopey driver in Cecil B Demented, etc. Took a long time for…