So your review is basically “we’ll never know what Lord and Miller shot” followed by dozens of “that would have been better if Lord and Miller had shot it”s?

Would you prefer I said she was babysitting 1500 kids?

She’s fine. She’s just visiting Shelly Miscavige.

Maybe he thought it was a VW.

And when you think about how much cheating they’ve done, that can only mean someone else is cheating even more. “They can’t have a pair of aces! I’ve already got seven of them!”

I’m guessing you had a touch of it then, too. Most loud kids are loud because they want to be looked at.

I have never heard anyone cut a piece of something and say they had a bite of it. That’s either a piece or a slice. She bit the pickle.

In my defense, I was quite depressed to begin with and I’d had a rough day in kindergarten.

Look the kid in the eyes and say “Everyone here hates you. Shut up.” The crying is usually quieter than the screaming.

You can stop a car without brakes... it just takes a long time (or a very, very short time, depending on your method). I still wouldn’t say brakes have nothing to do with stopping.

So you wouldn’t wear one of these, then?

“Blade” = good

I know it isn’t really the point of the tweet, but if you ate a bite of a pickle, you ate the damn pickle. Nobody wants the chunk you left behind. That’s your pickle now. Pickles are an all-or-nothing proposition.

To throw your kid an extravagant party is to admit you need to bribe other kids to be their friend.

If they want to eliminate cereal mascots, there’s only one man for the job.

I’m guessing their next plan will involve a self-destruct button in the principal’s office.

This couldn’t be simpler. Kids hate it when you talk to them like they’re stupid. They love it when you talk to them like you’re stupid.

If she weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood, and, therefore, she’s also furniture.

Taxonomically speaking, yes. So are human beings. But, since all people are simians (and, therefore, look like simians), it’s safe to say people aren’t speaking taxonomically when they say shit like this.

It’s nice to see all the prohibition era presidents accounted for.