So you wouldn’t wear one of these, then?

“Blade” = good

I know it isn’t really the point of the tweet, but if you ate a bite of a pickle, you ate the damn pickle. Nobody wants the chunk you left behind. That’s your pickle now. Pickles are an all-or-nothing proposition.

To throw your kid an extravagant party is to admit you need to bribe other kids to be their friend.

If they want to eliminate cereal mascots, there’s only one man for the job.

I’m guessing their next plan will involve a self-destruct button in the principal’s office.

This couldn’t be simpler. Kids hate it when you talk to them like they’re stupid. They love it when you talk to them like you’re stupid.

If she weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood, and, therefore, she’s also furniture.

Taxonomically speaking, yes. So are human beings. But, since all people are simians (and, therefore, look like simians), it’s safe to say people aren’t speaking taxonomically when they say shit like this.

It’s nice to see all the prohibition era presidents accounted for.

So.. wait... Eating grapes without paying for them is acceptable, but ringing them up as carrots and paying less for them is theft?

I refuse to believe there are people who pee on the bathmat after a shower. Mostly because I refuse to believe there are people who don’t empty their bladders while taking a shower.

Chaplain Emeritus?

What age of child is this supposed to be for? Even at 6 or 7, if my parents had given me “orange rockets” I’d have been thinking “I know what a damn carrot is”.

False. Trump has also thinks “brown people” come from a country called Puerto Rico.

Or if you’re a horny beetle.

I was thinking Carnosaur, Raptor, Dinocroc, Dinoshark, and Supergator are back and wreaking havoc, so scientists pit Sharktopus, Piranhaconda, Pteracuda, and Whalewolf against them.

Is De-Extinction going to be a crossover between Carnosaur, Raptor, Dinocroc, Dinoshark, and Supergator?

I’d say it’s one thing. That thing is “life science”.

It’s like they’re trying to end the Nazi comparisons by becoming Boko Haram.