Our failures must be a vast conspiracy involving people at the highest levels of power throughout the entire government. The only other explanation is that we’re all fucking idiots. But let me ask you this: Why would all those people conspire against idiots? They wouldn’t! That proves we’re smart and the conspiracy is…

Damnit, Dotard. Your family only gave you two rules. Don’t fuck anyone younger than Ivanka and don’t pay anyone more for sex than you are paying Melania. How hard is that?

I hear Nunes can clear three matchbooks, but Junior has a clear edge on shooting the rabbit.

You’d live a much happier life if you just accepted the simple fact that you are a complete imbecile. It must be exhausting trying to convince yourself that you’re worth a damn.

West Philadelphia burned and razed?

Passion of the Christ 2: Sweet Zombie Jesus

Be fair. It’s hard to type when your stubby thumbs are barely opposable.

“The prosecutor needs to drop the case. He has been prejudiced against us ever since he found out we were guilty.”

It isn’t that hard to reconcile, really. In King of Kong, he was being himself because he assumed that everyone involved was as invested in making him look good as the frauds at Twin Galaxies. Then he realized that nobody outside his circle was invested in him enough to pretend everything he does is amazing and he…

That’s why I keep it casual and address them all as “dickhead”.

I prefer Bullet in the Face, myself.

In my fantasy everyone on Earth wakes up tomorrow with the inescapable knowledge of exactly how much of a piece of shit they are. The resultant suicides solve those problems and many others.

“Putting vegan pizza on the Fab Four’s plates is sure to inspire fans to try it themselves...”

Just wait until someone does a 127 Hours porn parody.

If you think little Goku has it bad, wait until he names his next kid Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo.

IHOP and Waffle House are like Coke and Pepsi. Perkins is off in the corner fighting with Denny’s over which one gets to be RC and which one has to be Tab.

What about his “American accent”?

Even if that explanation is accepted, you have a teacher that is misspelling first grade spelling words. That is not a good sign.