That’s why I keep it casual and address them all as “dickhead”.

I prefer Bullet in the Face, myself.

In my fantasy everyone on Earth wakes up tomorrow with the inescapable knowledge of exactly how much of a piece of shit they are. The resultant suicides solve those problems and many others.

“Putting vegan pizza on the Fab Four’s plates is sure to inspire fans to try it themselves...”

Just wait until someone does a 127 Hours porn parody.

If you think little Goku has it bad, wait until he names his next kid Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo.

IHOP and Waffle House are like Coke and Pepsi. Perkins is off in the corner fighting with Denny’s over which one gets to be RC and which one has to be Tab.

What about his “American accent”?

Even if that explanation is accepted, you have a teacher that is misspelling first grade spelling words. That is not a good sign.

That’s just pretend. In reality Steve Austin only beats women.

... this time for directing an insensitive insult at a player...

I’m envious that you managed to forget about Donald Trump long enough to write a headline.

Long arm of the lard.

I guess Cleveland is Cleveland no matter where it is.

What?! Even after a blancmange faced Podgorny at Wimbledon?

Weird. Ivanka says it’s more like fucking a blancmange.

I read that exchange as “We don’t care what you’ve done, only how many people paid to see you do it”. They weren’t talking about quality with Schumer, only the size of her audiences.

I hope quantifying it involved looking at how many people have watched her previous special since they got it. It seems to be the only objective way to do it.