I've got witnesses! I get to embrace Jude Demorest! Lee Daniels said so!

The things some people will do for alcohol are just beyond the pale.

Surely most The A.V. Club readers have had some wild, Fifty Shades Of Grey-style action…

JUST HOOK IT TO MY VEINS!!!

Chris Pine strikes me as being sharp as a bowling ball.

Is there going to be a Supper Club on the latest unholy abomination to emanate from Taco Bell?

Shouldn't the toilet come first?

It never grows when I drink whiskey.

THANK FUCK:

Ummm, not for nothing, but can't I pretty much take any beer I want into the shower?

That costs extra.

It's Natalie Portman sized.

Right? What is this, a Presidential press conference or something?

So, people got paid for that movie, huh? Who knew?

I'll settle for Blind Date.

So Woody's dad knew Ted Cruz's dad?

Natural Born Smugglers

I'm waiting for the new Newlywed Game, hosted by Daniel Day-Lewis.

Jeez, don't have a car-diac arrest about it.

I just watched that whole thing on mute.