Happens daily at the gift shop in our Zoo. Parents just stand there and watch them sometimes. One lady got down a $200.00 stuffed giraffe so her kid could "ride" it. Asshole kids, asshole parents.

UGH YES!

IRL lolz. "Victim" of what?

If they are I've got bad news for you - it's your fault

Lies.

Napoleon Bro-naparte.

Totally fucked up Kutcher's placement. He belongs over by Ryan and Jenner for the self-satisfied douche factor alone.

My ex husband legitimately liked the Twilight movies.

I'm calling fake.

There's no way that this guy, if real, wouldn't wear his leather pants to the funeral. No way at all.

Also: Wouldn't it be even stranger if he had "one-too-many posters" of Michael Phelps *not* in a Speedo?

then there's this...

Border Patrol.

Uuugh! I'm so jealous. This is my secret dream. I read craigslist missed connections because its such a perfect collection of pathetic and sweet and sometimes gross. But in the back of my mind, I want to find one for me. It would probably read "disheveled girl at the grocery store in sweat pants, tell me what shape…

Right? I only ever see that posted on Facebook by obnoxious, judgemental drama queens.

At least the people who go right from the stall to the door without stopping at the sink are honest. We know to avoid them. The WORST are the people that run the water on their hands for like 3 seconds, turn the water off, and give 2 shakes, as though that does ANYTHING.

Sorry, you did it twice. I can't let it go.

Number one: it's super, not supper. If you're talking about supper bugs, maybe you should stop eating the cockroaches you find around your apartment.

Oh you know it! If it's a swinging door, I just employ the power of the elbow. ;)

Another important handwashing occasion is after cutting up hot peppers, lest you rub your eye or masturbate. (It was a sad journey through Yahoo Answers the day I learned that lesson. Also, the internet has no shame.)

I laughed.

Michael Gary Scott dry cleans his jeans.