I will never, ever understand the appeal of toys that poop.

She probably should have stopped at the Santa reveal. You'd think the first barf-tsunami woulda learned her, but no. When I managed to choke out between sobs, "What about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy?" she probably should have rushed to reassure me they were real. Alas, she did not, and the puke floodgates…

When I was in first grade, older kids at school told me there was no Santa Claus. That night, as my mom drove me somewhere to get my hair cut, I asked her if what the children had said was true. She made the mistake of telling me it was.

Besides the fact that he explicitly states elsewhere in the apology that his language was inflammatory and inappropriate, the very first part of this sentence you quote includes an acknowledgement that he passed the bounds of appropriate language. It is not your typical sorry-not-sorry celeb apology.

I like the cut of your jib. You've got quite a knack for satisfying smack-downs. :D

That apology was so detailed and humble, it was easily one of the best celebrity apologies I've ever seen. There was no "if I offended anyone, I'm sorry" BS. It was one meaty mea culpa.

I think ultimately, the general conclusion about the movie is that the fake relationship really did take place, but that much of the movie itself was staged after the fact.

If Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan join forces, they'll obliterate the earth in a fiery ball of self-destruction. Frankly, this sounds better to me than our impending slow deaths via climate change, so I say, bring it the fuck on. Let your bottomless stores of self-loathing and alcoholic rage flow forth like purifying…

Possibly with paper-cuts on their vajayjays.

Clearly, it's your penis. Your penis is what's missing.

This reminds me of a bizarre experience my mom and her boyfriend had at a bed and breakfast in Port Angeles (which is near Forks):

As an unabashed and zealous Gaga fan, I have to agree with you. I thought Born This Way was, overall, kind of a messy disappointment, and I couldn't help but attribute it to the fact that she was churning out tons of music while on a relentless schedule of touring, shooting music videos, making public appearances,…

*Runs screaming back to the of the soothingly vacuous Courtney Stodden article.*

Oh blah. I wasn't fucking quoting him, or her. It's called paraphrasing. I think it's pretty clear that this is what she was trying to communicate, Captain Literal.

It's a reference to an excellent episode of The Twilight Zone, in which a terrifying little boy with psychic powers wishes people "into the cornfield" if they displease him, which caused them to vanish, presumably from existence.

People are fixated on the "cornfield" part of the comment, but that's not what Minaj was referring to as racist. She said his disbelief that a black rapper could like Bob Dylan was racist.

We could just start by wishing all of her lucite shoes into the corn field. It would either be a vast improvement, or she'd chase all of them in there, saving us from having to exert even more wishing power.

The nudity, oh yeah, that is so inevitable. But there is nothing even remotely inevitable about them being tasteful.

Perfectly fine. That's pretty much how all my dreams roll.

I once had a nightmare that I went on a school field trip to a theater, and Vin Diesel locked us inside, and relentlessly stalked me throughout the big, crowded room, trying to thump me with his clublike penis. Eventually, after several narrow escapes and a few mushroom-shaped bruises, I was rescued by the woman who…