I once ate a piece of deodorant I found on my desk, because I mistook it for a chunk of apple. My mouth felt like a desert made out of baby powder for the rest of the day.

Knope. One p.

Why hew closely to the English language when you're so damn good at amazing gibberish? I think I love your gibberish the best. It's like, "Awww, someone transcribed my brain-sounds!" I live with a perpetual mind-soundtrack of snerps and a-bla-bloo-bloos.

It's okay, I've got a system.

Well, "is poopsenders real" is now part of my work computer's internet search history.

Oh. My. GOD. Is this real??

Mail him boxes filled with my poop.

This news has made my freaking week, and I'm gonna hold onto this happy feeling throughout the rest of this worry-fraught election day.

I personally think Joe Hill does a fabulous job of portraying traumatized, haunted, damaged people. Being of that stripe myself, I find it incredibly easy to connect with his characters.

How fitting! I chose to eat my copy and transform it into poop. (It seemed appropriate, and I needed the fiber.)

You know what I've heard about trolls? That they have a critical fiber deficiency in their diets! Weird, I know, right? But there's a really easy solution that will make your life (and bowel movements) so much easier: simply print out your comment on a sheet of paper, crumple it up, and shove it down your throat.

Insanely scary!

This was a goddamn great Dirt Bag, Lindy. I laughed at so many lines, it's hard to pick one out to hold it up as a particularly delightful example of your comedic gifts. But what I love you for is the Watership Down reference.

Congrats, BoxMeowBox! Well-deserved recognition for a wonderful lady!

COTD, without a doubt.

I say DO IT.

What? Everyone doesn't announce their decisions via a swimsuit photo shoot? When I decided to vote for Obama, I emailed all of my coworkers a photo of myself in a glittery two piece, sitting astride a donkey wearing a red, white, and blue ruffly number. When I decided to cook ham for dinner, I quickly stitched…

The power button is adorned with a pearl-like accent, and the power status LED and Caps Lock key are decorated with diamond-cut stone for a sophisticated look.

I could die of a broken heart from worrying if someone I pass on the street is lonely.

It's not a joke about rape. It's a joke mocking a ridiculous statement about rape that was made by a stupid person. I can't believe I've had to explain that to you. The article wasn't long, and neither was the joke.