I miss Pants Off Dance Off. That show was fascinating and hypnotic.

Sadly, no, I just like hitting things with pancakes.

I'd like to slap this woman across the face over and over and over again with a pancake*.

I'm surprised they allowed him to pen a follow-up article after that first pile of self-indulgent, defensive crap they let him post. I used to actually have some respect for him, but the fact that he can't let this assault on his dude-bro BFF slide without loudly voicing his outraged objections makes me kind of…

All I want is to literally vote with my vagina. I'm having difficulty training it to hold and manipulate a pen, though, so I'm afraid my absentee ballot is going to be a real mess.

For me, it's the eye makeup in particular that I'm fascinated by — probably because I have no hope whatsoever of ever making my skin look that unnaturally perfect. The eyes, though, that I could manage, I think. But would I hate myself if I did? There's something about trying to look like a doll that makes me feel…

I feel bad about how fascinated I am by this look, and how much I want to reproduce it.

Aw, thanks, Wolfa!

Oh, wowzers! Thanks! I'm all a-flutter. :D

Classic victim blaming!

If you struggle too much, it ends up going up your nose, which is extremely painful and results in your nostrils giving birth to unwanted sticky orange boogers. During an Emergen-C rape, it's best to just lie still and take it (and to then surreptitiously revenge-barf up a bunch of orange foam on your Emergen-C…

I prefer rocky road rape myself, but sometimes it's a real bitch cleaning all the marshmallows off afterwards.

I think she meant Emergen-C rape, which is when you forcibly hold down a sick person and make them drink a fizzy beverage full of vitamin supplements against their will.

Tell us more about your bizarrely arbitrary fashion rules.

"Sinking" to Sarah Palin's level is not actually physically possible to do. To reach Sarah Palin's level one must employ heavy duty earth-moving equipment, and dig until magma appears.

Are you saving it to show to an epileptic friend you don't like very much?

The important thing this article didn't cover is that it also steals their souls. The next thing you know, those kids will be barfing all over the place — but don't believe them when they claim it's just milk. That's demonic ectoplasm.

"I was obese as a child. I've been fighting with that all my life."

We totally have an affinity, you and I. :)