Scariest children's novel ever.

Sadly, I cannot blame my childhood paper-eating on Reading Rainbow, though I suppose I can credit it for encouraging my love of reading, and can therefore hold it partially responsible for my odd habit of eating my books when I was five or six. I had a copy of Danny and the Dinosaur with an enormous mouth-shaped chunk…

She's the physical embodiment of the word "luscious."

Actually, he doesn't look anything at all like I expected, as I assumed he was shaped like a human doughnut, due to the warm, dark location he prefers to store his head.

I worry that Kenneth Krause is a poor role model for his community's children, as he stubbornly insists upon giving them the impression that it is healthy and safe to live with one's head lodged up one's ass. Not only can this lead to numerous musculoskeletal issues due to the abnormal strain it places upon the…

I once requested copies of my medical records from a doctor's office, and discovered that on the notes from my initial visit, the nurse practitioner had written that I was "slender and attractive." I mean, I'm not going to complain about that assessment — but that's weird, right?

What's so strange about that? Who wouldn't want to look like you murdered a Sesame Street character, chopped off their feet, and reworked them into shoes a la that legendary luminary of fashion, Ed Gein?

You could just have a prominent rib cage. I'm about an inch taller than you, and my ribs show clearly even if I've put on some weight. In fact, a medication once made me gain like twenty or twenty-five pounds, and I kept questioning whether or not I'd actually gained weight, because my ribs still stood out so…

OH YEAH? WELL WHY DON'T YOU MARRY CAPS AND HAVE LITTLE CAPS BABIES (WHICH WOULD PROBABLY BE... UH... LOWER CASE LETTERS)?

Dude, I'm not the commenter to whom you wrote your original response. Go back and look at the thread to refresh your memory. I'm not the commenter you called rude — though I am someone who felt like pointing out that the only individual behaving rudely in that thread was you, the person who obviously had a hard-on…

Lindy, I think you're consistently funny as fuck, and I love your Dirt Bags. The last few have been especially amusing to me — the Amanda Bynes gibberish paragraph and the text you wrote for the link to the celebrities kissing tickled me to no end. And Krispie Stewbag is probably my favorite Kristen Stewart name…

"To me, she's not an actress..."

Wooohooo, Willa!

I'm sorry for such an utterly off-topic response, but I love, love, LOVE your avatar.

Oh my goodness! Thank you!

If that's your takeaway from my playful comments, I'm concerned that your pent-up fury has eroded your reading comprehension skills. In short: I'm teasing you. Lighten up a bit. It sounds like you really could use a happy bubble costume and some cartoons.

You seem a little angry and wound-up. May I suggest kicking back with a spliff and a Disney movie?

Fortunately, she's blissfully ignorant of your entire existence, so you don't have to worry about any inconvenient blood-feuds or frenemy situations. Phew! That was a close one!

I resent this characterization of lesbianism as a pastry party, as it unfairly implies that pastry-fetishes are the sole province of gay women. Anyone can want to make sweet love to a sticky bun, or get hot and bothered at the thought of taking a doughnut down to pound-town, regardless of their sexual orientation or…

Yup. Can't argue with that.