The day he wakes up with a giant dildo hanging out of his ass like a rubber non-prehensile tail is the day he changes his tune, and fast.

#1 - I was at a horror convention just south of Cleveland about 8 years ago. Around noon I left my group of friends to go to the bathroom, since we had started drinking shortly after breakfast. The hotel restroom had an entire wall of urinals, at least 15 of them, and was completely empty. I picked one roughly in…

They were trying to pass as professors at Wossamotta U before alumni week to get a jump on moose and squirrel.

I'll just leave this here:

Thank you! Hopefully not much longer!

My bride-to-be and I were friends before we became romantically involved. We're currently in a LTR due to illness, but will marry once she's better. We talk every day on the phone, average between 1 to 3 hours depending on the day of the week and text a few hundred times a day. A few months ago we both came to the…

It's like my grandpappy always said, the only thing strippers are good for are paint.

An obituary editor? Jesus man, buy yourself a black tee shirt, start going to goth bars and presto, your girl troubles are over! I would have killed for a gig like that when I was single. As long as you're not allergic to mascara or emo music you are IN.

<slow clap>

Every few years I reread "Little, Big" and "The Complete Works of Saki" and sure enough, they're completely different every time.

Sorry California couple et al, but Steely Dan has been warning you about this shit for decades. Pay heed next time.

I can't favorite this enough. Congratulations on both fronts, and here's hoping 2015 is your best year yet!

It kicks in when you're older. In my 20s I got pulled over all the time just to "see what's going on". Now in my 40s, virtually invisible.

If Taylor Swift made that face at me, I'd lose my mind too. 100 times.

That's too long. Can I watch a one hour movie once in 9D instead?

Help him! Help him!

How does TurboRoo turn?

"Negative media attention" is PR speak for "some asshole dog pulled back the curtain where we hide The Great and Powerful Oz".

So I can listen to whole albums on YouTube, AND get Google Play Music for $10/month? Now they have my attention.

Which is why Sylvia's Mother always makes me get the sniffles.