That was all code for — We Can’t Manage or Plan for Shit, so quite often we have raging fires which must be put out at all hours of the day (weekends too) so we might need your sorry ass here at a moment’s notice, and you can’t be an hour away, especially if you use public transit, which has rush and non-rush skeds,…

Why, I had a parent call me just last fall to complain about something her son heard in class. And yes, I do teach college students.

The way he tries to sly-dog it off with the shifty eyes like it never happened is fucking priceless.

My country is one of the “border states” which is fortress europe speak for countries on the edge of the EU which are the final stops for migrants from Africa before they get to “europe proper”, which means that if, by some miracle, they do get into the EU, and then get deported, they get deported here. There are…

The “OMG! Spaz” line is absolutely my favorite. New England: Where you can find guys who talk like 13 year old girls.

“And, while it appears Russian forces are fighting in Eastern Ukraine, we also do not believe there was any knowledge or wrongdoing by Vladimir Putin.”

McNally: Tom sucks...im going make that next ball a fuckin balloon

Re: the fake allergies

I read the popcorn story out loud to my daughters, who loved it and insisted I read it out loud again when my husband got home. It is now legendary.

Listen, Canada, we have all those things. We especially have the syrup covered, we don’t want any of yours.

Pfffft.... he can still get maple syrup from Vermont!

Shouldn’t this also be written in French?

Free popcorn in a tray is our early front runner for best bco submission of 2015.

(Editor’s Note: Like I’m ever going to pass up a story that makes fun of Tim Hortons...)

“Here, we see a server remove the packaging from a frozen cheesecake that arrived on truck this morning to be thawed in a cooler. And so begins and ends our tour of Obscene Selection of Cheesecakes.”

The sad part is a lot of non-chinese Asian restaurants end up putting some Chinese food on their menu, probably because its too much effort dealing with these basic people.

“Now THAT’S White Zinfandel!” which he promptly poured into his monogrammed thermos.

What is it with sushi and stupid people? I was out to dinner this weekend at a very nice sushi place (the kind where they serve sushi and that’s it, no hibachi or noodle dishes or anything) and the two women at the table in front of us were absolute nitwits. They sat down, looked over the menu, and then started doing…

IKR. But she bears it all with grace. I would not be so graceful. The day after hippiechick was born (I had a traumatic birth) I was laid up in the hospital, with a catheter, turning my bed into a fart pod.

i can’t be the only kid who grew up with parents who had a chest freezer & RARELY cleaned it out... when they did some reshuffling I guarantee I ate meat at least this old. AND I AM STRONG LIKE OX.