The "Uninvited" reference was brilliant. Effervescent, in fact, since my nose is now filled with seltzer. Bravo.

I'm really glad I like my parents.

Nothing says "fundamental respect for life" quite like a mean-spirited, half-assed pun aimed at someone grieving over the loss of her husband.

The "lady" in the last story sounds like a real half-wheat...

"Oh, well that's okay. I'm not allergic if they're ground up."

I know. I put them there.

THERE ARE BEAVER BUTTS IN YOUR ICE CREAM

the Food Babe Presents:

now i kinda want to hear tig notaro read the importance of being earnest.

You know what chemical in food really scares me? That DHMO, dihydrogen monoxide. Scary stuff.

Yes, she's terrible. She's promoting a "natural diet" of foods, all while deceiving her readers into believing they're free of chemicals, even though all these so-called "foods" are made of potentially toxic chemicals like water, proteins, starches, sugars, and oils.

Similar story. Different man. Recent break up and the only reason he didn't trash the apt is I broke up with him in public and literally ran to my car, leaving him stranded in another city at least 30 mins away from our apt. Police were called and as my name alone was on the lease, he had to go. I had enough time to…

Counterpoint: There is no better snack food than chocolate milk.

It always amuses me when racists trip over themselves to fawn over the Jews...until the next Jewish conspiracy comes down the pike.

As a Jew, fuck all these people. Fuck them right up their self-righteous, ignorant asses. With a hot fire poker. That has barbs on it. Twice. No, three times. At least.

Related: Gawker Media men leave the seat up, but far less frequently than you might expect.

I am currently working in an office with a male coworker who is on the same level as me. Administratively, I am expected to take on more because he is not as competent. This means I do a majority of answering phones, dealing with clientele and duties that involve filing, database management and even creating…

Mine does it by overdosing on her prescription meds and then taking off her clothes in front of my friends while calling them by the wrong names.

My great-aunt, an octogenarian: got a PhD in chemistry (when women weren't encouraged to enter that field); divorced her philandering husband (when divorce wasn't a thing) to live a healthy, community-oriented single life; and teaches Tai-Chi weekly (I'm not as flexible as she is).

"You must go back in time and give Obama's dad a condom."

These people are idiots. Everyone knows that you only have to stop him from planting the birth certificate in HI.