"Yes, I've heard all the things you want to do to me. Thank you. That's quite enough."

"Shh. Just relax. Sit back and watch me mispronounce 'penguins.'"

Did someone already say....cloudy with a chance of meat and balls?

Mine is, yes, because I work at home and get my traffic updates from PornHub.

This, exactly. I know myself that I'm in no way a potential rapist, but I also know that if you stand me beside an actual rapist, you will not be able to tell the difference.

#notalldudes

Some good advice that you just didn't take!

I thought "earbuds in" was like a universal expression for "listening to music," aka "its probably really rude for you to interrupt my music enjoyment so kindly don't talk to me."

Dear Single Men of (Insert Any City Here),

Right? And to everyone saying "Oh big surprise, a dude on Craigslist was a dick!", I say to you: this is a lot of dudes. Like, a lot. Who realize why you have earbuds in and don't care. Who realize why you have that scowl on your face and don't care. They think they're just that fucking special, that even though…

I would put my hand on his shoulder and say "You don't understand what you just said and neither do I."

P.S.: Oh, and by the way, it'd be nice if your default expression was a smile - or, at worst, a merely neutral expression - instead of a scowl that says, "I'll cut you off at the knees if you try to talk to me." C'mon, is life really that bad? Just sayin'.

do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

Local Chicago woman likes to scowl at all times, gives zero fucks if you find her unapproachable.

But I can't - because you're always walking around with your damn earbuds in ("Don't talk to me!")

Storm of Syphillis

I know I am safe from STDs because I am yoked by my husband's sex. His sex is an umbrella sheltering me from the storm of syphillis that threatens the fabric of our family.