Tats or GTFO.

That's racist. You're thinking of Rudolphs. Like Rudolf Hess. So that's two examples, enough to perform induction on.

If he wanted to do groundbreaking comedy, he should have gone to L.A. instead of New York. Because of the earthquakes. Do you think it would work better with a funny accent? I could pretend it's anti-comedy instead of my best material.

It's an open secret that 85% of Kirkland brand sculpture are LeRoy Neiman. The provenance of Kirkland mail order brides depends on which country had the most recent economic crisis. In 2009, they were 93% New Yorkers.

It seems to me that the voiced "g" affects the pronunciation of the "r" in Wahlberg to make it closer to a regular American "r" than the one in "Mark," but I won't bet my life on it.

"Wahlberg" is fine. It's a phoneticization of Bostonian in American, not some other language, and to us the retroflex r is a plain old r. "WAHLBEUHG" just looks weird, and it might make sense to a Frenchman but not to an American.

By Bork's beard! That's terrible.

It's disconcerting to hear your own voice coming from the other end of the line and realize your clone has been impersonating you to your girlfriend. And having better luck, probably.

Their boss informed them that Avenged Sevenfold was a group of dangerous freethinkers whose music was a mental contagion that was a unique threat to destroy the status quo and the entire fabric of capitalist society, and that —

Well, I won't back down
No, I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

The Tom Petty score is distracting and too on the nose. "Hey, baby, there ain't no easy way out," yes we get it, thanks. This isn't a TV show whose theme song has to summarize the plot for people who missed the previous episodes.

That Animal Planet special had better have been produced millions of years ago if they still referred to tree squids in the future tense.

Al Qaeda in Iraq was, in turn, an outgrowth of Ansar al-Islam, which grew with an influx of al Qaeda members driven out of Afghanistan before the Iraq invasion. The connection between al Qaeda and Hussein was sketchy, since Ansar operated in a part of Iraq largely outside of Hussein's control, but al Qaeda was in Iraq…

To keep it from being too obvious when Cookie Monster ghost writes for Savage Love, the editors replace "cookie" with "sex worker" in his replies.

At least in Hollywood, it seems like the heroin fad is dying off. Get it? Dying off? It's okay if you didn't. I try not to look down on people for sometimes needing me to tell them that my jokes are funny.

I know a lady who went from normal to fucking INSANE in two seconds because of hormonal birth control.

How are "shifty beady black eyes and the facial tics and burping" relevant? OJ, Lance, and "Jackie" all had convincing demeanors, for anyone foolish enough to be convinced by demeanor.

(Lame joke deleted on account of lameness.)

If you're looking for women who don't pigeonhole people into roles, doesn't it sort of follow that they would not automatically assign a role to a guy because he's big and tall? It doesn't mean there aren't others who would, but them you can just say no to.

Say, Billy Budd
So you think you should?
Oh, everyone's laughing