It's very appropriate to watch a sci-fi movie with a future wife. But once you get married, she becomes a mere present wife, and that's not very sci-fi at all. But if you never get married, then she never was a future wife to begin with. That's how time travel works: what a person does in the future affects who they…

Did she want to be buried, cremated, or tossed in the #4 recycling bin?

Can't a person wish somebody a happy dying day without being misinterpreted? It's a positive sentiment, not a warning or a threat.

It is customary to tip your carjacker all the cash you have on you.

I watch superhero movies for the lessons about the moral use of violence that are only valid in a fantasy world.

… but you didn't have the outfit in his size?

I remodeled the attic to make it a basement, and it changed the feel of the entire house.

Some people don't flush at night because they don't like to hear either the flushing or the refilling noise when they're half asleep. Tell him to knock it off.

Marry someone else to make yourself more attractive to her.

I don't know how much water is wasted in the process of making bottled water, but if I assume none is wasted, then bottled water consumption is roughly five drops in a bucket compared to total water consumption (including agriculture), or 1/32,700th of the total.

Pretty soon most of California will get waterboarded! Because of the drought. The water boards may implement severe restrictions. Get it?

Or waffles.

"You look like a guy no woman would fuck sober."

A vital safety correction to the monologue:

Sean and Kayla spent thousands of hours practicing photorealistic photoshopping, but that was only to create a foundation for their later radical departure from realism. They favor playfulness over painstaking self-negating craftsmanship in their late works, but the trained eye of an aesthete can still discern the…

Life-or-death dueling can make sense, game-theoretically speaking, as a refined form of vigilante justice in a society where legal justice is not effective. Dueling as a system of justice can provide significant advantages over basic vigilantism. The majority can overrun the minority by proposing duels, but only if…

Yeah, don't let the existence of a competition of sorts (with the heckler) fool you into changing your criterion for success when there is no prize for winning the competition. Presumably your goal is still to put on a good performance.

Monty Python routine.

my Bruce Australian friends

We already have "double" meaning less than two and "mega" meaning somewhat less than three. Now AV Club proposes yet another incorrect meaning for "mega." I begin to credit the nascent rumors of sabotage both external and internal of the ongoing standardization process steered by the SI working committee on units of…