;

That wasn’t your uncle; that was a Carl Hiassen book you read.

Steve Madden shoes fall apart way too quickly though. Haven’t been able to get more than a year out SM shoes I’ve bought for everyday work use. Never again.

Are there any other cons like that you used/were used on you by siblings or your kids?

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I’m not a parent, but at an age where the vast majority of our friends and family members are. I wish you the best, but I’ve lost count of the number of parents who swore their kids would soon appreciate escargot and sweetbreads only to quickly cave to grilled cheese, fries and a severe allergy to anything green. So…

Bevo XIV, the Texas Longhorns’ mascot, died today. He was 13.

I’m game

I can’t believe that you went with banana bread as your snack of the week and then failed to use “Banana bread? What were you thinking!” for your gratuitous Simpsons quote.

For me it was in the top of my friend’s dad’s office closet. There and an almost coffee-table book that my parents had tucked away on a bookshhelf hidden by lots of other crap. I have no idea how/why my friend and I ever found these items but all parents should be warned: Whatever you have in your house, your children…

All parental repair fuckery is done as payback for when we were all dipshit kids.

I guess there are two sides to this kind of thing. My 78-year-old father can fucking fix anything. In fact, if there's a repair job that is not an emergency, I usually leave it until he comes to visit. Keeps him occupied and also gives him fuel to bitch about my useless ass, which is one of his main joys in life.

If not for Harbong, I would not have known who the Raylans were. Bless you Mr. Smith.

Hey, I’m not sure if Kinja will give it (or this, for that matter) the placement it deserves, but commenter jayed_coins rightly dinged me for the “China purchasing our debt” thing, and I’m glad he did, because I was clumsy as hell in choosing the items for that list, and if nothing else it torpedoes what could have…

Albert, I love 99% of this article. But why’d you have to go and say this:

(As per his comment on the original Dissolve the United States, Deadspin user Jersey Kid owes us all a video of him streaking naked through the streets)

I support this sensible plan for the future of our nation.

Yoenis Cespedes and Jose Bautista would make a great President and Vice-President. Could they govern effectively? HELL NO! Would they be any worse than whichever one of these hamburgers actually gets elected? MAYBE! And, besides, when shit goes sideways, they could just have a home run derby. If we learned anything…

Speaking of apes, I’m pretty sure 90% of the “gorillas smashing glass to freak out kids” videos come from the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha. The gorillas do it to scare the little shits that bang on the windows. Then the dumbfuck parents let the kids smack on windows right next to cracked windows and signs that say…

Gotta go with shitting in public. As if talking to my mom isn’t awkward enough already...