“Whilst deployed to the Persian Gulf between Wars, we had to open a brand new base because someone done blowed up our old one.”

All the stars you and I’m going to shamelessly steal this. 

Thanks! To the podcast app!

I’m actually intrigued by your podcast suggestion and am downloading an episode now (Guns of Brexit I think). Whether or not you’re the Dave whose name is associated w/that podcast, is there a recent episode you’d recommend for a newcomer?

Now I’m envisioning a scenario where a fun joker tries to mess with everyone by using “Allahu Ackbar” as the code words to yell out.

Back in the 80s they took the doors off the stalls in some schools,

Your ideas intrigue me, and I would (non-sarcastically) like to subscribe to your newsletter.

The best and easiest way to eat salad (leaf and crouton) is to pick up a fistful and put it in your mouth. If you’re into dressing (I am), before you chew you then squirt the dressing in your mouth. Repeat until satisfied.

also accurate.

Today I attended a staff meeting where it was me, a cow, a bear, and a sheep and I was like “damn Gary Larson would love this.”

No. 11 Facebook pulling this piece off of Facebook. 

Yeah, I can totally see the internal office fight on slack.

The detail about no one being named Jenkins is essential (and caused me to lose half my drink on my computer screen).

This scenario is the primary argument for wearing tidy whities over boxers: containment.

Agreed with your initial response, but I gotta reject your Reagan “I don’t recall” strategy post-shitcident. Acknowledge in the most matter-of-fact manner possible, keeping focus on your immediate handling of the shituation like a God damn grownup. Have your coworkers wondering if they’re reacting appropriately. Bonus…

Then what’s the joke? That I farted and nobody is puking?

WHO HAS JUST ONE SHORT?

I don’t know if you could return to a meeting in that situation. Unless you have backup underwear and slacks. Do you have the backup slacks? Slacks.

Just grab a donut or two for the way home, take a big bite of one, and say “Gotta go. See you tomorrow”.

You also need to never, ever wear those same clothes to the office again. Sure, you didn’t shit on your shirt (or I hope to god you didn’t) but you don’t want people to think “Oh yeah, that’s the purple-and-yellow shirt Dave shat himself in. Ol’ Dave’s shittin’ shirt. God, that guy, just shitting himself all the time…