It’s times like this when I really savor being so old I am no longer required to give a shit about music.

As said elsewhere, principled spite. 

I will always answer the phone late at night for this reason alone.  I am just a curmudgeonly old man for the other things.  Good grief...the Youngs WOULD text about suicidal ideations wouldn’t they...

This is an entirely fair take. 

It’s purely principled spite. 

What is the etiquette on sending inane and/or frivolous text messages at odd hours?

He will be Deputy Secretary of Education by the end of the year.

Umm, you can buy another Bernie Mug you know...

Please settle a debate: Is Back to the Future a sci-fi movie?

My wife and I realized at dinner last night that we both heard a lot of “elbows off the table” as kids, but have yet to say that to our 6- and 4-year-olds, b/c really, who cares

This is a solid take, the bowel wants, what the bowel wants.  Never tell it otherwise. 

Hoya Saxa!

Well, it IS the display department. 

None what SO ever!

The Magary household in a few weeks...

This is what adulthood is, trying desperately to keep on a defecation schedule. It is so much less exciting than I thought it would be as a kid.

before going back to work and starring in some Spielberg movie about the life of Dave Thomas.

What is the best time to take a dump?

more sensitive than Nate Silver’s Twitter account