We are only to shout in Klingon at my Dunkin Donut location.

Not sure that Mueller is going to bring down Trump, but I am pretty sure that Roger Stone is gonna go to jail out of this. And that is not nothing.

Show us on this seating chart of the Waffle House where the Black Man scared you.

I will say it again: I cannot understand why there aren’t more white atheists. What the hell does a white man need a God for?

Ah, yes the Trump Reciprocation! A difficult rhetorical position to rebut.

I converted to Pesci worship after George Carlin proselytized me in the 90's.

Cohen: I would jump off a building for Mr Trump!

But your nobility in shunning a car does not cancel out the INCREDIBLE douchebaggery of blindly speeding down a sidewalk at 15 mph while you’re talking into a Bluetooth headset.

Literally nothing.

Clem, Cletus, Cousin Fucker Carl? Just tossing out some likely potentials.

I know, I felt they added a stomach-turning element that REALLY brings the image home.

I cannot be alone in sincerely NEVER wanting to even THINK about Rudy spanking it to Barely Legal, or god forbid MILF porn...

I keep TRYING. I mean if I can’t get famous with Dave’s Famous White Boy Potato Salad with Sweet Almonds and Quinoa, I don’t know what will do it!

No respectable person with any kind of decent palate eats KFC. Feel free to @ me.

Yo, Donny Dinko, you know what Obama NEVER did? A blanket pardon for all non-violent drug offenders in Federal Prison!

I did not think I could be more grossed out by the idea of Ted Cruz having sex. I see now, I was wrong.

Crashing after a party around 2 AM and VERY drunk when one of the dudes started challenging me to fight over someone I was crushing on. All I wanted to do was pass out but he kept pestering me, so I agreed to fight him outside just so we could go to sleep. He staggered outside ahead of me, I locked the door behind and…

I worked the gates on nuke bases, you know what you need to get a base with nukes? A valid government issued ID and someone who called to sponsor you on the base.

There is just a lovely moment at the 5-minute mark where SHE says she is the minority here...honestly now I am depressed.

I plan my entire life around the post shit shower.