NO YOU ARE A SHIT. YOU HEAR ME? A SHIT. I COULD WATCH THE U-S-OF-FUCKING-A WIN ANYTHING. WHAT’S THAT, THERE’S AN INTERNATIONAL TOURNAMENT FOR SPINNING IN OFFICE CHAIRS? STAR SPANGLED BANNER HELL YEAH. YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUCH A DOWNER ABOUT EVERYTHING NO ONE LIKES YOU AND YOU’RE STUPID I’M NOT EVEN…

Roses are red

he must be hartbroken (sorry)

Thought FOR SURE this horrible mascot was going to be included.

I regret I have but one life and one star to give. REMEMBER THE MOTOR CITY +1

The jokes here are incredibly meta. +1

Testicular Contusion: A Draymond Green Story

I can’t believe Green had the balls to say that.

It’s amazing that baseballs have so many human qualities within them- shit, piss, devils, even life. But do they dream?

Peyton Manning’s (other) brother died?!

Oh yeah? We’ll see about that AAAAAND PUBLISH

I haven’t seen such a useless crossover being used in an attempt to confuse a black person since Bernie’s campaign tried to connect with urban voters

“-I double post on Deadspin.”

violate me once- shame on you, violate me twice- third time’s a charm

/sees headline

Unfortunately this just shows not everything is black and white- there is always grey.

Isn’t that inscribed on the Bobbitt Coat of Arms?

Alternate headline:

Replace Crosby with Cosby throughout, and the quotes are that much more chilling.