Pfft. Punches.

Not Canadian enough. No hockey or maple syrup. Still good though

He was on an old episode of wife swap. Another gem of his: “Bacon. Is GOOD for me.” You could probably just search that catchphrase and find him.

Hope Charlize Theron wins nominated as best actress and Nick Hoult wins best supporting actor.

“Ask for a substitution and you get punched - either in the dick or the nuts or both.”

Gotta get the band back together!

Man, Jesus is up there on the cross in his drawers. How come I gotta wear a suit? If boxers are good enough for the son of God, they should be good enough for me!

Good first step. Now we just need the drone to be able to put a plastic tube around the tree to keep critters from eating its leaves when its young, drop in a fertilizer pellet, and then come back periodically to remove any other plants growing around the tree and we’re golden. Although the weeding of other plants…

“If we didn’t win, why do you deserve to get paid?”

Is that Don Cheadle? If so, what movie was this?

Somehow I don’t think asteroids are worth (quick Googling...) $18 Trillion.

Keep...Summer...safe...

With all that blood, they were probably after some Strawberry Smiggles.

Thanks to no fault divorce and Loving v Virginia, you can get remarried into as many interracial marriages as you want!

Ok, I’m confused. The first paragragh says that sentences for girls’ crimes are longer than boys, but then says they wait in detention pre-trail 5 days longer than boys. Aren’t sentencing and pre-trial detention different things?

Hands down the best Kitchenette story thus far. And “Leaking canoe of emulsified dick meat” is WAAAY better than “Monogramed thermoses” or “Allergic to X” will ever be.

“CAN I GET A KIDS BLOW JOB?!”

Well, technically. Tomatoes, squashes (including pumpkins), and cucumbers would be fruits under that definition, but colloquially are thought of vegetables. People are weird.

In an effort to make the men of The Peeople’s Republic of China more masculine, Chinese officials plan a manned mission to the dark side of the moon to learn the art of mystery. The mission will be led by Cpt Li Shang.

That’s the next frontier of hipsterdom: paperback porn. “A pussy just has a richer image when it’s actually printed on glossy paper, ya know? It’s like comparing vinyl to digital.”