Miami Dolphins

Unbelievable that he doesn't remember the coach's name. He created those Macintosh computers that are named after him for goodness sakes.

I was going to make a snarky comment about the PATRIOT WAY until I remembered that Welker is no longer a Patriot. Shit, maybe he only got caught because he lost his Patriot Way. I need to rethink my life.

Former President George W. Bush also released a message concerning the elimination of "Arabs" from the school. It simply read, "Mission Accomplished."

What the fuck does "Anchor Down" mean? Stupid jerseys, stupid rule, stupid penalty, stupid referee.

It also tends to help your Heisman chances if you have some kind of scandal surrounding you. You had the Cam Newton scandal, the Johnny Manziel scandal, Terrell Pryor put up a good show with his scandal despite not winning the award. Those were all kinda silly scandals. Last year Jameis Winston brilliantly did his…

He's a good coach, that's for sure. But I like my coaches boring. I prefer the stoic "I don't give a crap about anything" tone of a Popovich, or a Belicheck, or even a *shudder* Nick Saban to some fucking weirdo like Rex Ryan or either of the Harbaugh brothers or the fat guy who managed the Mexican team in the World…

The most notable accomplishment by this team between beating the '85 Bears and the present was being featured in Ace Ventura.

Did anyone else misread the headline and interpret it as the punter kicking someone in the dick, causing his punt to only go three yards? I thought that's what was going to happen. STUPID DEADSPIN AND YOUR SENSATIONALIST HEADLINES.

I'm not even sure I knew those words existed when I was her age. OH THE SHAME SHE HAS BROUGHT UPON HER FAMILY.

Isn't is possible to do this without a phone? I know that phones and their apps open up whole worlds of possibilities, but this was something that was already possible. Like, for millions of years. Unless I'm missing something here.

Well, fuck.

Fuck Rex Ryan. He's absurdly annoying. I mean, he seems like an okay guy, but I don't give a shit about whatever stupid shit he did.

Now this at least seems like a real punishment. Is there any particular reason why Ray Rice wasn't given something like this to begin with? Releasing this statement is nice and all, but it doesn't cover up the complete clusterfuck that was Ray Rice's "punishment."

Still waiting for soccer to suddenly explode as a major sport here, like MLS fans promise.

It could be revealed that Bill Belicheck masterminded the Holocaust and the discussion will center around how the Patriots brilliantly decided to clear space by releasing 6 million selfish Jews. Nothing touches these guys.

This guy moved from "hero" to "scumbag" in a matter of days. And that was his most impressive fall.

I'm guessing you responded to the wrong person?

That's the only reason I say I hope Riley appreciates that. His life is his life and he played good football last year, and he was always like a little brother to me. But money should never change an individual, and I'm not saying it did that to Riley.

Manning moves to 15^th in career interceptions