So I totally thought that the wife and SIL were having a lesbian affair with each other and I kept waiting for that reveal as I read through this. Then I realized that they were each cheating with someone else, not together, and well...the story got infinitely more "normal" and boring. lol.

I think they make sex feet for inserting, but you jam the whole damn thing up there, so this would work fine in that case.

My thoughts exactly!

Remember all those feet that were washing up on the beaches in BC and Wash/Oregon? Prototypes?

Imagine some teen wanking off with the aid of this...mystical utensil...only to have his mother walk in. Put yourself in the mother's shoes, and ask yourself why your son has his penis stuffed into a dismembered pedal extremity.

Look ankle-fuckers,

Male sexuality can be summed up by imagining the worst, most inappropriate thing possible and realizing that, at that very moment, some dude is enthusiastically fapping to it.

okay but what do i do if i want a hand job

I give it three months before there's video of it being used at a punk concert. ;)

Sounds like an evolutionary disadvantage.

White people are always late to the party.

Nothing says punk rock like a biohazard.

I mean GOOD FOR HER.

Can you guess what they did for the opening band?

This. Without fail.

Or my personal favorite:

"They accuse me of being a terrible person, but won't elaborate about exactly what I've done. Well, sometimes they do, but it doesn't make sense, at least to me."

I think sometimes abusive parents have a tendency to believe the lies they've told themselves about how wonderful their children's childhoods were. Particularly if their children turned out to be decent adults.

My drug dealer roommate — a 6 foot tall white guy, with waist length dreads, who only wore basketball jerseys — REFUSED to lock the front door to our apartment so that his clients could access the apartment with more ease. He also stole my childhood diary and ransomed it for 36 dollars which he believed that I owed…