Goddamn, Will Oldham looks ~TERRIBLE~

Internet writers always dis They Might be Giants, because their song “Minimum Wage” reminds them of an unattainable ideal.

(M.I.A. countersues)

In the spirit of martyrdom, he will now be thrown to the Lions.

So is the NBA going to let him recruit 5-6 Wooden Award finalists each year in order to replicate his college success? I’ve got a better idea of what to do with the money (points to barrel fire)

Please God let Winona State play Rider College (Division 1, I know) in some pre-conference sporting event next year, I will donate up to a sawbuck to make it happen

Hopefully he can re-create the magic he produced in New Orleans, where he was responsible for holding nearly half the Saints opponents to under 50 points.

“Named after the vivacious blonde from Facts of Life..”

Let’s be honest, Bill Clinton could be Ted Bundy and I’d support whatever person is running against the GOPer that could potentially appoint the 5th and 6th Scalias to the Supreme Court, and probably do it with minimal guilt or agonizing.

Also true: Tanner ‘88 based on that one time Michael Murphy became President.

“Bush subsequently returned to San Jacinto in November 1944 and participated in operations in the Philippines. Through 1944, he flew 58 combat missions^”

We owe tens of millions in free commercials? This sounds like a job for.. AD-MAN (Mike Greenberg takes auctioneer correspondence course to increase his plugs per hour rate)

To be fair, long-forgotten kidnapping movies like Celtic Pride and Suicide Kings are just getting their first run in North Dakota, influencing the feeble-minded.

According to Busch-ido, the Cardinals’ code for doing things the right away, he should have already committed seppuku with one Tony LaRussa’s carefully curated broken liquor bottles.

The last six playoff games have been 4 Andy Daltons, 1 Carson Palmer, 1 Jon Kitna. Three TDs, 9 INTs, never more than 17 points. Hell why not McCarron, against a Steelers team that gave up 4400 passing yards and 29 passing TDs this season. We need a new Tom Brady, the old one’s nearly broken.

Topping it off, the groom appeared in full mascot regalia and married eight women at once. “Your bourgeois laws don’t apply to me,” he sniffed, before blindly taking a wizz in the butterfly-people pond.

I can’t believe that a bunch of octogenarian voters who routinely screw up both nominations and awards because of industry pressures, half-viewed screenings, and a complete lack of critical facility might get this wrong as well.

“I’ve been briefed on the heroin situation and the racial implications thereof from my trusted Maineland security adviser, Popeye “Never Trust a N*****” Doyle.”

The last time we got propaganda involving a fair-haired child like that, we ended up invading Albania to the dulcet tones of Willie Nelson.

I have followed this story with about 8% of the required interest necessary to be well-informed and, so enlightened, am ready to render my final, definitive verdict on what did and didn’t happen.