"The game was more pure back in the day, with guys executing form-perfect judo throws while a horrified Commissioner looked on."

"I save my energy for important tournaments and picks, like calling for #13 seed Patrick Bateman's bone-colored business card with Silian Rail lettering to upset #1 seed Paul Allen's tastefully thick off-white card with watermark."

I'm no sabermetrician, but I'm predicting that he leads the league in RMCSAR (Repetitive Man-Child Shrieks Above Replacement)

Lee: General Grant, I lay down my sword and unconditionally surrender on behalf of the Confederate States of America.

"And then a garbage truck woke me up at six in the morning; its mechanical claw had mishandled a huge bin of trash and dumped it all over the street. And I asked of the Almighty: 'Really? A Raider?'"

Connect the dots and follow the money, the owner just acquired two thriving paper bag manufacturing concerns.

(conducts first round of Washington State tests) "Well on balance we have a emotionally healthy group of lads here." "Hold on a tic, apparently the school has hired Mike Leach."

As somebody with disturbing familiarity with this subject matter, the next step would be to submit a complaint to the state Attorney General's office. However, I think Tennessee has complaints go to the Comptroller's Office. http://www.nfoic.org/tennessee-foi-…

I knew something had gone sideways when Schefter interrupted the 31st of ESPN's daily speculation-panels by pulling out Ol' Smoky (the gray Blackberry he keeps in his 4th utility pocket) and yelling BAD PHONE! YOU FUCKED ME! THIS I CANNOT FORGIVE!

"Kelly appears to be pressing too much"

NFL Owner: That tears it, Goodell. It's coming out of your salary.

Before the contract is finalized he'll have to undergo a test of batteries.. er.. battery of tests.

Laettner: I just thought that given the passage of TIME a lot of these negative feelings would have been worked OUT.

(7-year-old nephew opens up kale-ridden Happy Meal to get to toy) Who the fuck is Captain Planet?

(drives through Jersey to get there) (car falls in enormous pothole and is quickly buried by ad hoc construction crew) (Jerry Jones cuts $20 million check for Christie Presidential campaign)

"That's France, one of the best national teams in the world.. so good, in fact, that their existence is a closely guarded state secret."

Jesus, if that's the way the game used to be, no wonder Dennis Hopper's character in Hoosiers took to drink.

Contrast to Joba Chamberlain's answer to the same question: "Do what now?"

Reporter 1: I can't wait for this Pete Carroll press conference about the Graham trade.

I'm just interested to see how he acclimates to life back in the world