Morning Joe: Putting the Cart Carrying Apples and Oranges Before the Horse For a Daily Viewership Smaller Than the Population of Fort Worth, TX since Whenever the Hell it Started

(preemptive strike against patriotic hot takes) "These Bostonians have no loyalty. They value personal gain over team advancement" — King George III, 1776.

"Ballet positions assumed by Chandler Parsons while attempting to fool his coach and the public into believing that he's trying to play defense, ranked"

On the plus side, their lack of compensation can be made up for by their manager hugging them, calling their parents, or singing a song with ukulele accompaniment

Woodward: Attorney General John Mitchell is guilty of obstruction of justice in covering up distribution of the CREEP fund.

(Sam Bradford rests in whirlpool after grueling workout)

At this rate Drew Brees won't have any weapons to use next season

I'm just waiting for the singularity where Harry Shearer (currently 71) reaches the age Burns first claimed he was during "Simpson & Delilah" (81).

(orderlies leave gurney with Clowney on it unattended) (gurney bumped) (rolls into stairwell, goes down 9 flights of stairs) (empties onto busy street, clipped by car) (goes into pond) (fish smacks him in the face with its tail) (ol' boy watches, arms folded) Worst draft pick ever.

(does handshake deal with Chip Kelly) (Gore leaves room) (Kelly runs to sink to furiously wash hands) (Stephen A. Smith pops out of the cabinet under the sink) Ah-HA!

Look, the line item for water usage in the municipal budget skyrocketing due to rampant hydrant/hose usage impacted EVERYONE in the community.

(takes freshman American History course) (decommits from America)

Agent: In the Colts' incentive-laden deal, showing up gets you a significant bonus, breaking the 3 yard-per-carry threshold gets you an even larger chunk of change

Typical bread and circuses behavior, meanwhile the more important story suggested by Fox Sports in the first video "What Does Metta Know" (the secret to unlimited energy via perpetual motion, who really shot Archduke Franz-Ferdinand, how Robert Sacre is on an NBA roster) goes unexplored.

How 'bout an end to the contentious litigation with that New Wave band that prevents him from getting a second Wow for his name?

1. To improve the longevity of your leased automobile and to avoid certain adverse legal and financial quandaries, look at the road while driving instead of trying to replicate a Zoolander modeling pose for an imaginary person in the passenger seat.

And Derrick Rose makes his triumphant return to the court against the Spurs in a final tune-up game before the playoffs!

And with that the recording career of the Bee-5200's was criminally cut short.

Furthermore, there are ten letters in the name Chip Kelly. Ku Klax Klan? Also 10!

(throws numerous skip-balls during combine)