I’m planning to spend tonight watching TV and drinking alcoholic root beer* floats while cuddling with my puppies (who are terrified of fireworks, poor little guys). Who knew that having no life could literally save my life?

I’m officially An Old now but I thought Netflix and chill meant “Netflix and sexytimes”, which is why it’s so utterly cringeworthy when advertisers try to shoehorn their products into it.

Women’s razors, even the fancy ones, destroy my legs. The skin is sensitive, but I have gorilla leg hair (thanks for the hairiness dad, rest your soul). I buy the men’s Mach 3 disposable razors. Economical if you use them a while, and you won’t get razor bumps. Men’s shave gel is far better than the lady version, too.…

You hit the nail on the head.

When I saw the first trailer I told my husband, “if she’s the jedi I’m going to cry right there in the theater.” And I did.

No joke, my step daughter had me buy Donald Trump piñatas for her quinceanera and everybody had a blast bludgeoning it with passion

If the contest was “which presidential candidate do we want to bludgeon to death with sticks?” then yeah, Trump would totally win the Hispanic vote.

I’ve never seen so much bullshit come out of something that didn’t have horns and weigh 2000 pounds.

i love that she stood by her decision. she yelled “elf” with so much emotion. it looked like she was about to cry.

Should we know who Billy Eichner is?

Beats the Christmas themed humblebrag VIDEO with the kids

being totally out of touch with reality.

They mate really loudly and grossly. Sincerely someone who grew up in a heavily forested area in Australia

Kourtney is my husband’s favorite Kardashian.

Okay so I know you were talking about, you know, ‘THE NORMAL’ healthy humans BUTTTTTT...

I think the saying goes, “for every rat you see, there are 50 that you don’t see.” Now, I hesitate to compare these people to rats because I’ve had several pet rats and they’re actually pretty smart and sensitive. These people are not.

I hate family sex dreams.

I’m currently 33 and am completely independent save the $50 birthday check I get each year. At least I thought I was, until a few days ago when my father suggested kicking me off the family cell phone plan and I reacted as though he had asked me to sell my kidney.

First off, they sound ignorant, but second of all, who doesn’t love tapas?

I explained North America to my European cousins like this: we are an apartment complex, America is that giant party that wont end even though the apartment is being wrecked and seems fun but when you get inside its only fun for a certain type of people. Mexico is directly below and is doing their own thing, and…