Must’ve been her 2nd tablet:

I’m ashamed to say I watched the video and they are pennies. Alanna was counting her money.

This means we go back under the Queen’s rule, right? Right? RIGHT?!?!?

You are raising your child properly. Carry on.

My toddler won’t stop screaming GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHZZZZZOOOOOOO at peak child volume (1 million decibels), which is his attempt at my GGGGAAAALLLLLLAAAAAZZZOOOO...and now my wife looks like she wants to murder both of us. Whoops. New skill unlocked for the kid.

Of course, alone. That goes without saying.

so you’re saying he’s leaving the Mets organization?

“How do we show the new Webby personality isn’t like the old character?”
“Pin her Quacky-Patch doll to the wall with an arrow!”

After the discovery, and ensuing scandal, shown here are two engineers trying to sort out how to make the Celica GT-Four even faster...

My old 95 Saab 9000 aero had more reverse lights on the front of the car than the back.

I think it’s possible. My teacher in college once got drunk with Willie Nelson when he was a teenager and they got a pig drunk. It’s a long story for another time.

Two beers with a pig leads to seven then you’re porkin on the beach. I’m thinking murder, no witnesses.

Yes, they were found floating in the ocean because the sharks ate them.

Yeah but 1) I just sort of assumed pigs can handle beer and 2) how are you not going to offer a swimming pig a beer?

I strangely like this.

I don’t want the games to be shorter.

She purposely retweeted a white supremacist.