PEW PEW!

I don’t want to make assumptions about what it is like to have a mastectomy. But I am imagining that if I had to have a mastectomy, even if I’ve come to terms with it and learned to accept my drastically changed body, seeing a bunch of attractive young women with their perfect breasts holding a coke can in my honor…

when that part of the male anatomy is aroused and there’s an erection, the brain flies out of that and we have to take that very seriously,

My kid (now 21) jammed a BEAN up her nose - a dry bean. By the time she had second thoughts, it was no longer dry and had expanded, so it was firmly wedged up there. As she was telling me this, I stood there with my mouth hanging open: “Huh? What? WHY??!” She just shrugged. It’s a wonder kids make it past 5.

Bitrex is the bitterest substance in the world

Initial Ascent of My Boner is going to be the title of my next album. Thx.

I know it happens but...how often? GUYS. THE LADIES WANNA KNOW ABOUT YOUR BONERS FOR ONCE.

Hehehe.

NOBODY PUTS CAITLYN IN THE KORNER

Can you blame them? It’s often fun to dress up and be pretty, and I imagine that if you’ve spent your whole life in the wrong body, once you got the chance to express your true self, it’s natural to want to feel as attractive and pretty as you’ve always wanted to but never could. You are making a value judgment that…

Wow! She’s a better Janice Dickenson than Janice Dickenson.

lol ikr i was like that’s cute sweetie. keep tryin katy.

The CTA here in Chicago started a big “subway courtesy” project following input from riders about their biggest pet peeves on the subway. They’re putting up signs that remind people “walk left, stand right,” “don’t block the door,” “don’t eat on the train,” “give your seat to pregnant women,” etc. They’re not bad, as…

“Because it’s a kilt, it has to be straight down,” he said, according to Smith. “It can’t flare out around your hips. It has to hang straight.”

Hahahaha re “Why does that baby have so much hair?”

Anyone who knows me can attest that one of my primary traits is stubbornness, so when an older family friend of my now husband told me I WOULD cry at my wedding I was like “DONT TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE”. I felt an emotion at some point, and ruthlessly shoved it down so that I would win.

Melissa McCarthy would like to remind shopping malls that “people don’t stop at size 12