Let me tell y'all something. Here is what they would've done to my face:

I think you could do an entire BCO about idiots not knowing anything about steak. I once had an older woman order a filet mignon well done; it was her birthday, so I avoided utilizing my "are you fucking kidding me" face and voice, and politely explained that the steak would just get tough, but she wanted it anyway.…

I need No-Red guy to go on a date with Allergic-to-Crunchy woman.

That's your takeaway here? I'm a helicopter mom because when I cook something I taste it before serving and because when I take my kidlet out I check his food for temp and general non-grossness?

I still propose installing a Thunderdome at every NASCAR event.

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it, but anyone who watched that race can confirm that Busch repeatedly stated "she's too loose" throughout the entire event.

I'm guessing he hit her with a whole bunch of lefts.

Also, who the fuck spells Tom with an h?

I don't know, man. I see the Ds and even the DDs, but for some reason a VS size D bra looks like a B anywhere else to me. Nope nope nope.

They carry Ds regularly and DDs if you're willing to be very unpicky about availability, but tough luck if you're bigger than that or if you need a band smaller than 32 or larger than 40.

Yeah, the ad above is a joke. "A body for every body," but we're only going to show one type of body in our ad.

Don't get it. Looks like a tinier version of Steve Buscemi to me.

To be entirely fair to North Carolinians, in the Senate race our choices were: 1) Fucking Shitass Piece of Shit Fucking Asshole Thom Tillis; 2) some Libertarian dude who hardly anyone had ever heard of; and 3) Kay Hagan. Oh yeah, Kay Hagan was the one who spent all her ad money on TV spots where she talked about how…

I don't trust people who put an "H" in "Tom" any more than I trust those who tack an extra "G" onto the end of "Greg". By which I mean, not at all.

If you can't learn it at Harvard, though, then where? Yale?

Not that I know anyone who would put a Charlie Brown special on to babysit their kids and keep them from asking exactly how many minutes it is until trick-or-treating time... (What kind of monster would do that?) BUT, it is entirely possible that the same negligent parent would be puttering around the house, only…

As a proud community college graduate (who went on to a four-year degree later), I have to throw some shade at hacking into the college website to change his grades. How hard was it, really, to just keep up with the class and homework?

Uhmm...I hate to agree, but a warning would have been nice.

That last one...uh...I can't be the only one who thought of Dem Babies, right? The only thing that makes me skeptical is that there was no entourage (and no photographer).

That pissed me off so much, too. I manage a restaurant and any time someone mistreats any of my employees, I have no problems kicking them out immediately and calling the cops if necessary. I'm a 5'3'' woman, but my workers say I'm very scary when I'm angry at an abusive customer and they love watching me take care…