Don’t blame the drunk golfer. Blame Gary in 23C for yelling “GET IN THE HOLE!!” for four hours.

He could have booked her a million dollar flight to the space station. If she said no when she got there he needs to keep his fucking hands to himself.  

I won’t even travel across a king size bed for sex. You roll to me. 

I hit my all-time high of 110 Instagram followers on Wednesday. Where's my money?

Corpse Avalanche would be a damn good death-metal band name. Just sayin’...

Mt Everest: Come for the views, stay because you died.

So you mean to say that Curtis discovered an ... LSD Soundsystem?

Yep. I’m going to start stockpiling meds and I’m taking them all before I need to go into a place like this. 

“Jesus Fucking Christ”

I believe her, but the comment “Nobody innocent hangs themself” is extremely problematic.

I had predicted Vatican for the new baby's name, so I feel pleased to be in the ballpark. 

I wish I could do this for life*.

I wish I could do this at the salon. 

There was something about this guy that always creeped me out. I can’t imagine finding him motivational in any way. My first instinct every time I’ve seen him over the years on television was to change the channel immediately.

Then feel free to donate to those more worthy causes. Your money, your choice. In this case, I feel like I am fighting for my right to be seen as FULLY HUMAN, with 100% control over what does or does not happen to my body. Alabama and Ohio and Georgia and the rest are actively fighting to make women LESS THAN HUMAN…

Fuck you. Ensuring women can access reproductive care is a perfectly valid and vital charitable cause.

What about the Jane Collective? Is that going to be resurrected? Because if someone needs me to pose as their NYC-based aunt/cousin/niece and come “visit” our lovely city (ONLY FOR TOURISM OF COURSE) I have a pullout couch and am very good at putting care packages together and lying to authority figures.

It looked to me like the last lap at a NASCAR race at Talladega, with the leader swerving back and forth across the track to block all challengers, risking causing the “Big One” (wrecking half the field). Thing is, NASCAR is the only sport that lets you do that, but they also have roll cages. Someone takes out half…

Say what you will about the outcome, but this year’s Kentucky Derby was worth it for Matt Bevin getting viciously booed by my fellow Kentuckians. 

People moshing. Which would not have been at all confounding except that the band playing was They Might Be Giants.