Not the Kings. No draft pick this year. Fucking things up would just lead to the Celtics getting a lottery pick or 76ers getting the #1. I love the Kings (I am dumb and sad), but I would support their immediate contraction if our continuing front office fuck-ups leads to the 76ers getting Zion.

Aikman can barely remember which way his pants are supposed to face, so he gets a pass. 

Kudos sir, for pointing out the story-within-a-story, and for that story being about trial and tribulations of fat men on the move.

Patrick and I are Sacramento Kings fans. We know that all joy is fleeting, while bewildered, frustrated suffering is the valley to which all summits drop. We know what’s coming. Just let us enjoy it before the inevitable comes. Because when it does, it will come in such a way that I will be shocked when I’m blasted…

Gruden’s face is so red that my phone automatically color corrects a picture of it and refuses show the original shade. Glorious.

And a Blake Griffin and-1 wins it for the Pistons.? Who would’ve thought Griffin would end up on the right side of a karmic exchange?

I would bet the trash governor of Kentucky doesn’t thank this women, who may have saved a number of his state’s children, but I would hope the Governor of New Jersey celebrates her. We all should.

I have driven through Mississippi and Alabama. I have also driven through Iowa and Nebraska. I would drive every road of the first two with a bumper sticker that said “Trump sucks Obama’s dick! Go Hillary! Boo God!” before I driving through the last two.

I’m trying to consider the most probable possibility here: (1) this is Blake Bortles; (2) a troll decided a pro-Bortles attack would be the best way to stir up shit online or (3) there are honest to God Bortles-stans. All three options seem equally possible.

You guys are tweaking the red up slightly with every post, right? Has to be. I can’t imagine the shade of vermillion he’ll be by the end of the year.

15k would likely cover ongoing therapy cost that could potentially cover the kid for the rest of childhood, because if something falling from the sky actually did almost hit and kill him, that shit can leave an emotional mark; seeing how we still know fuck-all about the effects of trauma on little kids, that’s not…

$5,000 is the maximum for small claims court in Florida. But yeah, 15k is a very small suit in these circumstances.

I suppose my love story is kinda unusual. My wife and I met on an aircraft carrier. She: A Chinese immigrant who abandoned a good job to move to America on a lark, then joined the Navy as a jet mechanic to become a citizen. Me: the fourth generation of my family to protest a war occurring during our youth, then join…

Goddamnit don’t remind me +1

One thing that seems extra apparent this week: change for the specific purpose of combating 20 years of change is a very bad thing. So is changing out your best player so you can pay the idiot who instituted that very bad thing. Get fucked, now and forever, Chuckie and Mark.

Fuck Chuckie forever and ever and ever. 

I was hoping this divorce was going to be amicable and sentimental. A last sliver of time cheering for the team I grew up with before the slither off to buttfuck Nevada. But here’s the event horizon; gone is our best player so Chucky can continue jerking off in the mirror. I just wanted one last half-hearted attempt…

I am so desperately curious to see what fart porn is like but too terrified to actually look. It has to be either the funniest shit on PornHub or a creepier, awkwarder take on shit/piss porn. 

THOSE BOARDS HAD A FAMILY!

I am unreasonably upset that our Tomato Troll didn’t come out of retirement to fuck with the comments. You would think his tomato sense would be tingling.