I am unreasonably upset that our Tomato Troll didn’t come out of retirement to fuck with the comments. You would think his tomato sense would be tingling.

Uruguay beat Russia, who are clearly frauds. Thus, we cannot yet determine their true fraud status.

I feel like Deadspin’s use of dong was explicitly implemented with visions of this post one day occurring.

Nah, man. America’s messed up, but I’m pretty sure less than 3% of us are racist, rapist, pedophillic, narcissistic sociopaths with onset dementia.

.

10 years ago, I would have had the same question. Now, I’d be surprised if he’s not currently hosting a show on it dedicated to finding Nazi aliens.

3 seems high.

I don’t know whether to feel absolute shame and disgust that our president is so fucking dumb, or to keep on hoping that his imbecility will one day bring him down. I’ve had this feeling pop up every few days for a year and a half now. I’m so fucking tired.

(But I really, really hope we don’t)

I was so pissed about winning that last, meaningless game. And I’ve never been so happy about beating a Rockets team that gave no shits.

I am torn between elation that the Kings actually jumped and fear of our inevitable fuck-up/destruction of a potential star. THIS TEAM HAS TAKEN MY ABILITY TO FEEL SPORTS HAPPINESS.

Why, oh why, isn’t Netflix producing The Ongoing Misadventures of Florida Man? Someone has to jump on this.

Maybe it’s just the formatting here, but looks like RTIC Coolers managed to obscure “shall not be infringed” while highlighting “A well regulated militia.” Of course, the irony will likely fly over their heads, as if aimed by a jackass simultaneously sporting an AR-15 and a hard-on.

Smarter than fighting another kangaroo. Which makes it smarter than Greg “I’d Throw Hands with a Kangaroo for 10 Bucks” Howard.

Speaking for every Sacramento Kings fan, yes all five of us:

Hi. I’m also a journalism major. Your girlfriend, assuming you’re telling the truth, did a shitty job teaching you about journalistic ethics.

I get so used to my Kings fucking everything up, I don’t know how to feel when they do something right, especially something like this. Something I really, really want them to get right. I keep on waiting for this fairly sensitive, empathetic moment to be followed by a press release stating that they intended to trade…

If you’re playing a part here, congrats on effectively suckering in a bunch of us. I’d have added a few misspellings, some ?!!!?!, and a random rant tying gun rights to the National Anthem, but good job. If you aren’t playing a part, well then congrats on becoming the parody. 

Gillibrand endorses Cuomo. Harris endorses Feinstein. The next wave of progressive leaders in the party keep on falling in line behind the establishment. This is understandable- you need ducks in a row for a presidential run. But it’s gonna bite them in the ass someday. Crap like this will either haunt them as they…